Your Friend Cheated and Told You About It. What Now?

If you’ve visited this post, you may have encountered the following scenario: You’re eating breakfast or even online with your pals, focusing on their work, and talking with them about Netflix and Netflix when your friend dropped the bomb. “I’ve, uh, been cheating,” they declare. A flurry of emotions and thoughts–couples date nights, good relationship advice you’ve offered, or the fact that your friend never considered the way you–flash through your head. You could almost feel the pancakes shrinking as you looked for the perfect answer.

It is often thought that cheating is private. However, many people confess their secrets to those they can trust. There are many reasons for this. If a friend of yours cheated and shared the information with you, the possibility is that they are sharing their story out of fear, guilt, anxiety, fear, or exuberance. But what do you do with this information?

Step 1: Acknowledge that you’re uncomfortable.

The first step is to let yourself be sorry for not using the appropriate phrases. We don’t have a framework for these types of conversations, and they’re not always easy, Rosara Torrisi, Ph.D., a certified therapist for sexual abuse, tells Self. The norms of society make infidelity appear as something to be shameful and only heartless people can do. However, that story does not leave much room for empathy or compassion.

If you were in stunned silence as your friend shared the truth, you might be confronting a flood of emotions. You could be trying to figure out the norms mentioned above. This discovery could also trigger memories of past encounters with infidelity. Or perhaps you’ve always been disappointed by how your friend’s partner speaks to them, and you’re tempted to offer a toast. Whatever your initial reaction, it’s essential to consider that the reasons people want relationships beyond their primary ones are varied, and there’s no universally accurate answer.

Take an extra second before reacting to something in a negative way, Do not react immediately, Dr. Torrisi says. If you know a friend has cheated on their spouse and you’re unsure how to respond, you could stop and say, “Wow, okay, that’s huge news.” It’s acceptable to acknowledge that you’re uncomfortable telling someone something like, “Sorry for being awkward; I’m just shocked! Would you like to tell me something more?” Naming the awkwardness (your acquaintance may be feeling the same way) without being judgmental allows the opportunity to gather your thoughts before saying something that you’ll regret. If you’ve already shouted “WTF” in response, you can remark and apologize for being judgmental at the time you’re prepared.

Step 2: Remember that cheating can be complicated.

To clarify: The majority of cheaters don’t do it to hurt their spouse or completely disregard their partner’s sentiments, as Dr. Torrisi explains, adding that, in many cases, cheaters have needs they aren’t able to fulfill. (But there are times when cheaters cheating is cheating in a non-stop manner, and that’s a whole different situation that we’ll explore in a moment.) The reasons for that could be sexual, but it’s not the norm (cheating can be emotionally driven). Indeed, a 2017 report published in the Journal of Sex Research surveyed over 500 people who had cheated. While 43% confessed to cheating due to frustration, 77% reported affair because they felt they were not loved. 70% said they had cheated because of inattention, and 57% blamed their behavior for a lack of self-esteem.

The motives for cheating don’t always occur in the same way. One could cheat because they feel abandoned in their relationship or angry if their first reaction is to be a judge, a cheater, doctor. Torrisi urges you not to. Don’t assume that your friend’s behavior is wrong or inexplicably bad or that the person is terrible. Be aware that you may not have a clear (or exact) idea of what’s happening in their relationship or what prompted them to make this decision. Even if you have some information, it’s best to be cautious for a while or until you’ve heard more.

Step 3. Have your friends ask questions to help them understand the things they require.

When you’ve had the chance to refocus, think about what your friend may need from you. If they share the same concerns with you, they’re likely searching for something, whether it be empathy, support or understanding, validation, or even a listening ear. Consider active listening instead of being judgmental or attempting to solve the situation. As SELF has previously stated, active listening is the practice of making it clear that you’re listening to the person you’re listening to (instead of trying to teach them). It is possible to ask questions like “Why do you think you’re doing that?” or “What does that mean for you?” It’s possible to ask, “What do you need from me as your friend right now?”

Since your friend’s cheating isn’t really about you, it’s okay to be a bit smug and curious. Inquiring questions can help your friend understand the reason for the incident and provide you with some perspective. Knowing the facts will enable you to be more understanding. For example, listening to your friend tell you that they love their spouse and are eager to find a solution could aid in brainstorming solutions. You could talk to your friend about the possibility of an unrestricted relationship and brainstorm ways they can inform their partner of the incident or suggest that they seek out a psychotherapist.

Step 4: Be aware that you may disagree with your friends’ responses.

There’s a possibility that your friend may have responses that you aren’t confident about. You might expect them to be honest, and they’re pretty happy. They may be too caught up in justifying for their actions to be aware of the extent to which they’ve put their partner’s health in danger, or perhaps you genuinely dislike your partner. You thought cheating would be an underlying factor in the separation you’ve always wished for (but your friend seems determined to work it out).

Listening to your friend’s comments affects how you feel about them or causes you to think about your friend or your friendship in general If you’re not sure, that’s okay. If we’re being truthful, not all friends require your unending gratitude and affection. There’s some compassion for your best friend from childhood who’s crying on your shoulder because of cheating, even though you disagree with their decision. But the nemesis during your Yoga class who constantly complains that your leggings are ripped and sends any emotional messages from you to read more frequently than you would? It’s OK if you’re not willing to stand with them in this moment of vulnerability.

Often, cheating can be terrifying, stressful, and a source of isolation. Therefore, it’s normal for your friend to look for comfort in you, AASECT-certified sexual therapist and relationship psychotherapist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. Author of The Time, You’re the one who cheats and SELF tells. Although it’s great that you trust your friend enough to let them know this information, there are plenty of reasons why you may be unable to handle this situation. Perhaps you’ve been the victim of a scam on the other side, and hearing about your friend’s story makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you’re close with your friend’s partner, and you’re not willing to be a part of any deceit. Perhaps you’re a devoted partner but do not have the time to get involved in this conflict. Whatever is causing your discomfort, look after your needs, too.

Step 5: Set boundaries–especially if your friend wants you to keep this a secret.

A friend who talks to you with concerns about cheating could need help, but they’ll most likely need something else as well: to protect their secrets. This is a considerable request, and it’s well in your right to establish limits on this discussion as, according to Dr. Nelson, one of those boundaries could include: “I will not keep this secret for you.”

If you cannot be bothered by being with your friend’s spouse and knowing they are infected or cheating, Dr. Torrisi has two suggestions. You could tell your friend you’re planning to break off from the relationship for a time or explain that if they don’t inform their spouse about the cheating within a certain period, you’ll let them know.

Expressing this in a snarky or judgmental manner is unnecessary. Instead, suggest something like, “I can’t keep this secret.” You can indicate that your friend comes up with ways to inform their spouse and include plans to be safe if they are poorly reacted.

Step 6: If you plan to be present with your friend, reserve the right to make a.

The decision of whether or not you’re committed to keeping this secret is highly personal and relies on a variety of factors. There’s no “right” way for you to behave. However, if you’re at ease being the one who assists a friend through the cheating process, make sure to avoid judging it as much as possible. If you don’t feel you’re in the correct position or space to help them, know it’s OK to express this transparently (and with understanding).

Even if it’s not the option, you’d take a moment to think about those times when you’ve benefitted from an ear that isn’t judgmental. It’s not just about you; it’s about your friend. Every person deserves to be supported through tough times.