Why we are afraid to hurt other people’s feelings

Many dysregulated eaters have a problem with stressing out in order to avoid hurting others’ feelings. They put too much effort or do too many things, and they end up feeling angry or resentful. I have written before about why it is okay and when it is not to hurt people. This blog will explain why it is so hard for some people to cause pain to others.

First, we remember how we were hurt as children. We forget that adults and children have different nervous systems and ability to manage and deal with emotions. Our frontal lobes, which are responsible for problem-solving and clear thinking in children, are still developing. We also struggle with hurt feelings as we lack the necessary physiological components. We are unable to think rationally or place what is happening in a bigger, more correct context. Adults over 25 have fully developed brains, and we can expect them to be able to deal with hurt feelings. However, others aren’t able to because they weren’t taught.

The second reason we feel guilty about hurting adult friends is that our parents didn’t have the best coping skills. They might have drank or used drugs to hurt us. Or they may have yelled at us and physically hurt others. You will believe that all adults cannot handle emotional pain if you have seen others in this situation. Most adults do just fine. Although we don’t like being hurt, most people can manage to get through it and continue on.

We are more likely to avoid hurting another person’s feelings because we have seen our caregivers retaliate when we hurt them. Perhaps your rebellious brother was smacked about, your parents punished your childish errors unfairly, or they said mean and blaming things that have stuck in your mind to this day. Maybe you have come to think that hurting someone is getting hurt back in spades. Perhaps you decided it was better for someone else to suffer than in silence.

The last reason you might be afraid of hurting someone is because you were taught by the church to love and support one another. This is only half of the story. It’s one simple strategy for managing your life. Another option is to hurt others to stop yourself hurting, and to take care yourself. Both are important. It is impossible to pick just one strategy and stay with it throughout your life.

If you don’t help others, you’ll be in pain. Adults who are emotionally healthy expect to be hurt, and they should get over it.