What is the difference between codependency and regular emotional needs? How to tell the difference
I must admit that I am often very codependent in relationships. Sometimes, I will decide not to speak up because I am afraid that it may push my partner away, or I will jump to the worst-case scenario when I do not hear from them. I’ve also had moments where I felt insecure and needed constant reassurance. Although I am actively working to change this, it is easy for me to slip into codependency patterns. This is especially true when I feel anxious or struggle with self-confidence.
Even though I’ve gotten better over the years, it can be difficult to tell if my reactions and feelings stem from codependency or just normal emotional needs. And I know I’m not the only one who faces this question–codependency has become more and more popular over the years as mental health has become a key part of relationships. The term codependency has been used so much that it’s hard to know if you’re actually struggling with the condition or just trying to express needs. What is codependency? How can you tell if your partner or you are working with it, and what should you do? Find out how to meet your needs most healthily.
What is codependency?
Codependency is defined by Vicki Botnick, a Marriage and Family Therapist, to Psycho Central as “any enmeshed relationships in which one loses his or her sense of independence, and feels they must care for someone else.” It’s a willingness to sacrifice yourself to maintain someone else. Joaquin Selva, Bc.S., explained to Positive Psychology that codependency is “a specific relationship addiction characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence–emotional, social and sometimes physical–on another person.”
Researchers have found that codependent behaviors share many characteristics, such as a lack of a sense of self. One study on codependency revealed that all participants struggled to define who they were. This study is called “The Chameleon-Self.” It means each participant adapted easily to any situation instead of displaying consistent behavior. Participants also reported feeling out of control and trapped in a passive role to please their partner.
Lack of self-worth can lead to codependency, as it leads to a need for external validation. It can manifest in all areas of life but is particularly harmful in relationships. Do you struggle to get things done without your partner? Or do you have trouble pursuing hobbies or friends on your own? You may have changed your plans to ensure you could hang out with your partner. Maybe you have diminished your own needs in order to please someone else. Codependent behavior is toxic and negative. However, normal emotional needs can sometimes be mistaken as codependent behaviors.
What is the difference between codependency & healthy emotional needs?
Codependency is a term that has gained popularity. People mistakenly use this to describe healthy emotional needs in a relationship. You might think it is “needy,” for example, to ask your partner to call you more often when you are not together. Or to want to know what they’re thinking. It’s not codependent or needy to express your needs and communicate expectations. Codependency and vulnerability are often conflated in our society. Have you ever been called “needy,” or have you called someone else when you ask for extra time or affection? Do you consider it “high maintenance” to tell your partner that you are in need of help, or do you have high expectations?
It’s healthy to have emotional needs in a relationship. Being able to express these needs and getting them met is an important part of a beneficial, thriving partnership (it’s not being codependent!) It’s all about the intent: Are your requests and actions motivated by what you want from a relationship, or are they based on insecurities or a lack of self-worth? Or is it based on fear that the relationship will not work out because you don’t feel good enough? It would be best if you did not depend on your partner to make you feel good about yourself. However, it would be best if you still were vulnerable and dependent on your partner. Interdependence is the opposite of codependency.
How much should you rely on your romantic partner?
Codependency involves losing your sense of identity and relying on your partner for everything. Interdependency, however, is a balance between having a strong self-identity and allowing your partner to support and help you. Interdependent relationships occur when both partners can depend on one another (for example, knowing that the other person will keep you when you express your needs or you are able to ask for assistance). Still, they won’t sacrifice themselves for their relationship.
Knowing your language of love is all you need to do. This is normal and healthy. Especially when the other person shows respect and changes to meet your needs, it can become codependent if you start to demand these things to feel good about yourself or to be validated.
Do you struggle with codependency or addiction? What to do now
You can focus on
Ask yourself why you don’t see your friends anymore and instead only hang out with your partner’s or other couples’ friends. What is it that makes you put your relationship or partner above everything else in your life? The same goes for small things like hobbies or music that you may have stopped listening to. Codependency is often rooted in the fear of not being enough without your partner. Prioritize all of the things you enjoy, even if your partner prefers comedies. Or, make plans with a friend who always makes you laugh. Fill your life up with the people, things, and activities that make you happy so that your partner doesn’t become your entire life.
You can also check on the codependency of your partner.
You may have felt like you were codependent, needy, or high maintenance, but now you see that you are expressing healthy emotional needs that just aren’t met. Maybe your partner did something in the past to make you feel insecure about your relationship. People may make us feel insecure or even question the “normality” of our needs. Do not be afraid to ask hard questions, such as “Is your partner listening to you?” or “Does it feel like your relationship is a place where you can express your needs?”
Speak with a relationship or therapist.
If you are struggling with codependency or not having a strong self-image (in your relationship or elsewhere), seek out a trusted professional to help you break these patterns and rebuild your self-esteem. A therapist can determine the right amount of vulnerability, trust, and dependence for you and your partner. Working to improve your self-identity, as well as building your interdependence, can help you be happier, calmer, and more successful in all aspects of your life.
