What I wish I had told myself when I was in that awful relationship
The relationship that everyone knew was wrong except for you, the douchebag who posed as the prince charming or the roller coaster ride you can’t get off. First, you have to realize that the relationship is a bad one and decide if it can be saved or is worth saving. You might want to read the following things that I wish I had told myself back when I was in a shitty relationship:
It is more lonely to be with the wrong person than to be alone.
The L-word is likely the reason why you’re still in that shady relationship. It’s not love, it’s loneliness. The hardest part of a breakup may be accepting that you are no longer part of a group but now alone. It may seem scary and cliche, but I assure you that your friends/mom/dog are there to help you. It’s not the same as being a part of something, I know. When you are sitting in a restaurant with someone annoying, boring, or demeaning, you will feel very lonely.
It would be best if you didn’t waste your time on them unless you enjoy watching them more than you are annoyed.
A metaphor: Each relationship is like a piggybank where each nice thing that someone does for you and every good feeling you get from them is worth one penny, and every bad feeling you receive is worth a penny. Even the most successful relationships can bring about moments of disappointment, anger, and boredom. Even happy couples will fight. And even the best of people can make you angry. But you should smile, laugh, and be satisfied more than you are sad, fighting, or crying. You’d better have a lot of money in your piggy bank if you spend all that time and energy on a relationship.
Stop doubting.
You’ll be told otherwise by all the episodes of The Bachelorette, but once you know that this person isn’t for you, or even “the best choice,” they are not worth your love or time. To save yourself from pain, you should not wait until the first big doubt or bad feeling comes up in your mind.
No is not a dirty or offensive word.
It’s actually one of the most crucial words in any relationship. Respect for the other person’s needs and wants is as important as compromise and empathy. It should be as simple as saying “yes” to communicate what you do not wish to. If not, then this person doesn’t care as much about you as they claim.
You will get over it.
First, I want to affirm your dramatic actions. You deserve drama after a bad relationship or a breakup. You can send a group message to your friends saying, “I’m okay, everything is fine,” or “I’m fine.
I love being dramatic. It’s so surprising that you will soon be sick of it. You will start to see that it’s not the end of everything. It won’t feel as if you’ll never be able to get over it. You’ll pick yourself up and turn off Netflix. You will get over it as soon as you realize that you are going to.
Replace “if” with “then”
We often make rules for ourselves when we are going through a relationship breakup or a bad one. These rules reinforce the behavior that we know is not healthy. If you are a rule-maker, change your behavior by changing the rules. If you miss someone, go on a run. Or, “even if something nice is said to me today it won’t make up for the bad.”
Love is not a mistake.
Many people confuse love with other emotions, such as comfort, addiction, and infatuation. Addiction and love share many similarities in terms of neurochemistry. Studies have shown when couples are together; their brains activate the same regions as cocaine addicts do when they crave cocaine. Healthy love has respect, commitment, and trust. This is the difference between addiction and love that mimics addiction. If you are addicted to someone, it’ll feel like a “high” at all costs.
The feeling of security is what separates a comfortable relationship from a relationship that’s just for comfort. You will always feel secure and trusted in a cozy relationship. You will feel uncomfortable when you are not with your partner because you lack trust in their relationship. Don’t confuse love with anything else.
Listen to Lizzo a lot.
Indeed, Lizzo was not around for my previous dreadful relationship, but she is someone I would have loved to be with. Turn off Celine Dion and listen to Lizzo or any other music that makes you feel confident. You’ll feel less sad when you truly love yourself.
Accept your mistakes.
Cognitive Dissonance refers to attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors that are in conflict. It’s like being delusional by trying to prove yourself right when you are actually wrong.
It’s why we’re so loyal to groups we suffered to get into (mean girl cliques at school or hazing in a sorority), why smokers insist smoking won’t kill them even with the scientific evidence to prove it, and why we suffer to break free of bad relationships–leaving it requires acknowledging that you made the mistake of staying in a bad relationship, to begin with. Let go of your guilt and recognize the part you played in keeping the relationship.
It can be hurtful to try and spare someone else’s feelings.
I am an empathic person to the point of being a stumbling block. In order to not hurt people, I have been known to manipulate myself into situations. But trying to spare another’s feelings can make both your lives worse. It will hurt both of you more if you lie. Even faking good intentions to manufacture feelings is still lying. Don’t use the “it’s you, not me” strategy (when has that worked?). Knowing what you both need will help you to move forward faster.
You can make sense of everything if you read the story of your future.
It’s not a rollercoaster ride of emotions as rom-coms would have you believe. Instead, it’s a decision and steady assurance to spend the rest of your life with someone who brings out your best qualities. You’ll have to kiss many frogs before you find your soulmate. Sometimes, frogs can even be disguised as princes. But one day, you’ll thank yourself for all the heartbreak.
