The Mindset Shift I Made Changed How My S.O.
You should know one thing about me. I don’t attend kickboxing class because 1) I dislike being around people with pent-up anger, and 2) I feel silly because I lack the necessary amount of anger or frustration to be efficient in class. Although I think it’s an effective way to deal with negative emotions, I’m not a fan. Instead of holding any frustrations until I can let them out, I prefer to talk through them before they become more serious.
It’s not always easy to work through problems, especially when people have different communication styles. One mindset shift changed the way my partner and I deal with conflict in our relationship. Let me tell you that our relationship has improved because of this: It’s not us against the problem; it’s me and you versus each other.”
Why it works
Have you ever disagreed with your partner or anyone else, and the debate became more about who is right and wrong than the issue at hand? Your teammate suddenly became your enemy, and both of you were screaming and spiraling to determine who was the winner. Guilty.
We stop worrying about winning by approaching conflict from the perspective of “it’s me versus you; it’s us against the problem.” We focus instead as a group on fixing whatever is wrong. It allows us to listen to each other more, slow down, and take down walls. This is more effective in resolving conflict since the most common cause of disagreements is a lack of empathy and mutual understanding.
What to do?
We quickly discovered that our communication styles were different, particularly when it came to disagreements. I’ve always been the kind of person who talks it out to the point where we are blue in the eye. He prefers to pretend that nothing is wrong until he cannot take it anymore. Both are ticking bombs, and it took some not-so-pretty arguments for us to realize that we needed to find another way to deal with the issues.
We were determined from that moment on to understand each other’s communication style (and respect it) so we could meet in the middle and become a stronger group in conflict.
Learn your partner’s style of communication. This will allow you to understand your partner and their feelings better, and vice versa. When tension starts to build or an argument occurs, repeat this phrase aloud to each other: “It is not me against you; it is us versus the problem.” It will help you both to take a breath and refocus your relationship.
What to do when you forget?
Even the smallest of disagreements can make it easy to forget this mentality. I am the first to admit I am not perfect. It takes a lot to put our emotions and egos on hold, but with patience and practice, it is possible.
Remember that disagreements are normal. Over 90% of couples argue. If you and your partner are in the middle of an argument, remember that your conflict is a shared challenge, not a fight where one person wins. It’s easier said than accomplished, so it’s okay if you forget this for hours or until the next day when you are reliving your conversation in your mind.
Don’t criticize yourself if you don’t always do it perfectly. Working together to resolve conflicts, even when they are difficult, can strengthen your relationship.
