The Heart Wants What It Wants
“The heart wants to want what it wants.” Emily Dickinson said that. You might think of Woody Allen or Selena Gomez, depending on your age.” (Glass I, 2015).
Why does the heart want the things it wants? Is it really as magical as romantics would like to believe? Does it seem as mysterious as the quotes suggest? This post will explore the psychology behind attraction.
Emily Dickinson wrote these words originally in a letter to a friend who was worried about her husband’s absence. However, the tone of her letter suggests that there is little consolation as he will certainly be missed.
She writes in the letter, “Not being able to see something we love is terrible. Talking doesn’t help. Nothing does. Except for itself.” (Sewall R.B. 1998). This quote suggests that no amount of thought can defeat the longing created by the feeling of love. For more information on whether or not this is accurate, please see Psychology Today blogger Paul Thagard’s article, ” Is the heart really what it wants?”
Woody Allen famously replied, “The heart wants whatever it wants,” when asked about his scandalous behavior after he abandoned Mia Farrow in favor of her 18-year-old adopted daughter. James Rosen claims that Allen said to Time that “there is no logic” to such things. You meet someone, fall in love, and that’s it.
Selena Gomez’s hit song “The Heart Wants what it Wants” is a great example of this. “You might not be right, but I don’t really care. There are a million reasons for me to give you up. But the heart wants whatever it wants.”
The theme of this book is apparent beyond the pop-culture references. I’ve been in sessions where the same explanations have been given for similar behavior. As I tell my students, this is psychology, and we want to find out the “why” behind the surface explanation.
One of my favorite psychology topics is attraction. Many people attribute appeal to a mystical force that brings people together. There are scientific explanations.
In a chapter of a psychology text, the author describes how people like to think they’ve found their perfect match or that it will happen. The author then jokes that it is more likely to be their ideal match within a 5-mile radius. (Coon, Mitterer; pg 558).
This joke shows the power of proximity. People tend to form close bonds with people who are regularly in our vicinity. It’s not just about meeting someone special that you are attracted to. This can also be about developing an attraction to someone by being in close proximity. It is shown in films and on television as well as in real life.
The saying “opposites attracted” is true but in subtler ways. (This will be discussed shortly). In reality, people tend to marry within their race and ethnicity. They also marry within the same socioeconomic class, religion, or status. People who are similar to us tend to attract us romantically or otherwise.
There are also deeper, psychoanalytic elements of attraction. The authors of the book “A General Theory Of Love” discuss how memory is formed in our early childhood and leads to later appeal.
We form strong memories based on our early childhood experiences. These subconscious experiences guide our attraction towards others. The unconscious can pick up subtle cues. We may not be able to understand why we feel attracted to someone consciously, but we still are.
This theory explains why people are attracted to someone that is unhealthy for them. Everybody knows someone who has been drawn to someone who turned out to be harmful. It could have been a coincidence if this happened only once. But people often show patterns in their relationships and who they are attracted to.
Codependents may be attracted to an alcoholic (who wasn’t drinking excessively at the time of their meeting) or a partner who is abusive or unfaithful. Extreme examples don’t have to be dramatic. It is not uncommon for a parent or another close caregiver to have a similar problem as the partner. This book is a great way to support this theory, and it explains a lot about what attracts people.
The idea of the project is a psychoanalytic and Jungian concept that I would like to discuss next.
Many people mistakenly believe that they have found their soulmate when they are talking about projections. A projection is a thought, idea, or state of mind that is projected onto another person. The individual, without realizing it, has a plan of what they need and want their ideal partner to be. They then project these qualities and attributes onto another person. Then, they observe the behavior of their love interest and compare it to their ideal. They believe that they have their soul mate if they don’t recognize the projection.
Later, as they come to know the person better, the partner begins to fall short of their expectations–perhaps so consistently that they cannot be the ideal. The search for your soul mate will then start again.
The pattern of disappointment will continue unless the individual recognizes that the fantasy of finding their soul mate is a false one.
I have already mentioned the subtle ways that opposites attract. Compensation is a theory of psychology. One can compensate by overdoing an aspect that makes them feel insecure. They might, for example, buy a big truck when they don’t feel manly. The compensation for attraction is also similar, but it’s more about the partner chosen than a weakness.
Carl Jung identified personality characteristics people tend to prefer: introvert/ extrovert, feeling/thinking, and intuition/sensing. Many people believe that they choose partners who help them achieve balance. Outgoing, social types often choose quieter, reserved partners. Compensation may have played a role in the attraction of an emotional attachment.
The bargaining process is another aspect of relationships that many people prefer to ignore. It is an internal event and not an external one. The attributes each person brings to a relationship are known. These include attractiveness, financial security, sweetness quality, Intelligence, being a generous person, being attentive and considerate, having a good bedtime, etc. The individual is looking for a partner who shares the same attributes.
It does not necessarily mean that you want someone as nice, attractive, financially secure, etcetera as they are. But it means he wants a bargain that’s equal to, or even slightly better than, what he values.
How many attractive people do you know who have a financially secure partner? This person values the physical attractiveness of a partner because they know that they bring with them financial security, well-being, and luxury. In this example, the attractive person understands that they are beautiful and value financial security.
The example below is simplified, but it does exist. This example is simplified, although it exists. The actual negotiation process can be more complex due to all the factors to consider. It’s a bit rudimentary to want someone who isn’t worth what they bring to the table.
What if, at the same time, he ends up with someone who brings so much more to the table? Insecurity would result, as he’d feel that the other person would dump him soon after discovering he didn’t measure up. He may be constantly on guard in order to protect himself and to catch any signs as quickly as possible.
Although attraction is a complex and multifaceted process, it’s not all magic and mystery. This post doesn’t cover all the theories. This post will hopefully remove some mystery and help you challenge an emotion that initially seemed impossible to control. This post is related to others I have written about questioning your thinking and using mindfulness to select your thoughts.
