I’m a Science Nerd Who Gamed Dating and Found the Love of My Life

I can tell you that there’s nothing more wonderful than waking up next to your sweetheart. It’s hard to find your forever sweetheart if you have no idea what you’re looking for.

Over many years, I suffered and lost my heart. It dawned on me that I am a science geek. Haven’t other nerds studied successful relationships? Could I manipulate the data to make it work?

Yes, and yes. You can also do what I did.

When I stopped thinking love was enough

Love is All You Need may be a great song, but it’s not a practical life plan.

BS (Before Science), I fell in love with the idea that everything would be okay. After all, it’s true that if you love someone, you already have it all.

Many people think so. The majority of Americans list love as their main or sole reason for marriage. This is a trend that can be found in the Western world. This doesn’t work out all that well. Just look at the divorce rates of 47% for first marriages and 75% for couples who both brought children into the union.

Consider my divorce. It didn’t matter how much I loved my ex-partner.

I don’t think love is unimportant. Love is seen as a necessity in life partners all over the globe. People who do not love their partner are more likely to cheat on them or leave. Don’t get married without love! Science has shown that love is not enough.

When I started valuing the right stuff

I’m fortunate that 4+ decades’ worth of research has shown me what you need in a partner to make your marriage long and happy. Kindness and respect.

Science could not agree more with Dave Barry’s statement: “A person rude to a waiter but nice to you is not a nice man.” It’s hard to overstate how important it is to find and be someone kind and respectful, not just to us but also to others when things don’t go their way. The wrong partner will take their bad mood out on us; the right partner will exercise self-control and treat us well regardless.

The research in 37 different countries and cultures shows that it is also important to find someone as similar as possible to us. People do not argue about the similarities between them! Scientists conducted a large study that listed the top things couples disagree over. Each topic started with “differences.” Birds of a feather make life more enjoyable, while opposites are less so.

What is the surprising way to achieve similarity? Please list all the things you are looking for in a partner and divide them into Must-Haves and Desirables. The Must-Haves in a relationship are the things that you cannot live without. Desirables include things that you would love to have. However, if your man is otherwise perfect, you can happily compromise.

The List is a great way to find someone who shares your interests because most people describe themselves. These are the most important standards to have.

Vic was an absolute mess and a gentleman. Every day, I am happy because he accepts me as I am.

Last

Right now, America’s hookup culture is in full swing. It’s a vague way to get involved, where people begin with a certain level of sexual activity and then fall in (or out of) love before determining if they are compatible.

There are at least two problems with this. As we have seen, it is possible to fall in love with the wrong person. Second, hooking up can make it more likely that women will fall in love with Mr. Wrong while simultaneously encouraging men to stay emotionally detached. In one study, 75% of women said that they had a hard time maintaining emotional distance in a hookup situation. But 75% of men said the exact opposite!

To reverse the process of hooking up, we must fall in love with him and have him love us.

So I did. Before I allowed myself to fall in love, I made a checklist of the qualities I was looking for in a partner. I also screened them for respect, kindness, and similarity.

I’ve given myself the gift of using the best odds in the correct order.

I started nurturing realistic Hope.

Feeling hopeless? I certainly did. Vic and I actually met when I felt so depressed after a previous breakup that I wanted to hide out and eat Little Debbies until the end of time.

Science taught me that Hope is the realistic attitude to find and keep love. Two times as many people married are happy than those who are single, divorced, or widowed. Finding and maintaining a good marriage partner can make you healthier, more comfortable, and more successful. It also makes you more satisfied and sexually active. Who wouldn’t want all that?

Why not me? Why not you, then?

When we are hopeless, we become a self-fulfilling proverb; we do not make an effort because we don’t see the purpose.

I also discarded the idea that “there are no good men”.” You’re probably a good person, too. You can expect that you will attract what you have. Finding and marrying your equal is so common that it has a scientific name: the matching phenomenon.

I knew it was reasonable to wait for someone with the same good qualities. Vic and I have always been true friends, seeing eye-to-eye and being inseparable.

When I stopped expecting dating to be fun, I started going out whether or not I felt like it.

Hope grows when we strive to achieve our goals, even if they are not always fun.

Instead of waiting to see if the Hope would grow or if dating would always be enjoyable, I decided to take action, and my attitude changed.

I made it a rule to go out whenever someone asked, regardless of whether or not I wanted to date. I agreed to meet Vic despite a horrible breakup that occurred just before.

This is where I am supposed to say that we lived happily ever after. It’s not true that we fell in love the moment we met.

You can see that I am in an arranged relationship. I, not my family, put it. After being hurt so many times, I decided to learn everything I could on how to find and keep love. I then applied what I had learned. No matter how heartbroken or disappointed I was, I persisted. I began to see dating as an interview process, similar to a job search. I wanted someone amazing to be My Life Partner, and I would work as hard as I could until I found the right person.

I nurtured a realistic hope instead of a pessimistic, fatalistic one. I told men that I liked them but didn’t let go of my heart until they loved me and matched me. I used Science to select a partner for my beloved adult child, just as a loving parent would do.

I did not marry for love. I married because we were a perfect match in all important aspects, including kindness, respect, and similarity. And love. According to research, I received what people are likely to experience: a slow-burning love that has grown stronger with each passing year. Vic and I will soon celebrate our seventh wedding anniversary. I love him even more than when we were married and every year more than before.

Upshot? I chose him not for romantic reasons when I first met my love. I picked him based on Science. We fell in love, and the romance grew stronger. I wish you the same.