How to Stop Taking Your Anger Out on the People You Love the Most
It may strike you before you realize the situation is occurring: The simmering anger you’ve been battling for hours can reach an unending, unstoppable point when, for instance, your partner returns home with no ingredient you’ve been asking for. Perhaps your child has left that toy lying in the middle of your living room repeatedly, even after you’ve requested that they get it picked up. If you’re having a bad day, perhaps your beloved is being in your space in a manner that can make you angry. In a few moments, you’ve spoken (or screamed!) something harsh…only to realize — on your own, or even after criticizing you–that they didn’t merit your rage.
It doesn’t matter if this is a new pattern or one you’ve been through for the majority of years; a misdirected rage can cause harm to the most important relationships you have. The mixture of regret and shame that can occur after the anger has subsided is a sour drink to consume now and again.
It is essential to be clear that anger isn’t an issue of morality or a condition that should be eliminated. “We tend to socially reject anger, especially in women, who are socialized to suppress it, but anger is an energy that can help you feel emboldened and legitimized to take action,” Lisa Marie Bobby, Ph.D., LMT, the founder of a therapist in Colorado, Growing Self-Counseling & Coaching she tells SELF. “Whether it’s setting boundaries with a family member, saying no to harmful behavior, or breaking off a toxic friendship, our anger is often the fuel.” It can become a problem, but if unchecked, anger becomes uncontrollable and reactive, smoldering the person near you.
The ability to not take angry words at family members is about becoming more acquainted with your emotional world and how it influences what you do and say. Dr. Bobby calls this “emotional-regulation skills training.” “Many people who get lash-y aren’t connected to their feelings,” she explains. “If you think of a 1 to 10 scale of anger, where ten means throwing a chair out of the window, productive communication actually occurs around a. Most of the time, people who behave out aren’t talking about their feelings until they’re at a level 7 or 8.”
At this point, you’re more likely to utter words amid a situation you’re not thinking about. When you’re trapped in a loop in which you’re unable to stop yourself from saying things or performing things that you regret later and regret, you’re likely to regret it. Dr. Bobby cautions, “You’ll eventually either damage or irreparably destroy your relationships with the people you love.”
For reasons you might be directing your anger at someone you don’t think is worthy, like your spouse or relative, friend, or even your child, it could be several root causes. Here, experts discuss how to identify them as crucial to breaking the cycle. They also give strategies to accomplish this.
Be sure to check the health of your mind.
Mental health issues that are not addressed, like anxiety, Depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or borderline personality disorder (BPD), can play an essential role in the misdirected cycle of anger, according to Dr. Bobby. “People will beat themselves up over how they treat their partner and not understand that they require treatment,” she claims. “This should be ruled out first because it’s important to see what issues self-resolve with the proper care.”
If you don’t feel as if you’re suffering from obvious signs of a mental health issue (like despair when it comes to Depression or anxiety or restlessness due to stress, for instance), If you aren’t sure if you were the jerk that your friends claimed they saw you as the other night, pay attention to the people around you. If you know someone who can tell you’ve been acting more snappy lately, Try to listen to their perspective, as they might better understand your behavior than you do. Sadaf Siddiqi LCPC, a Therapist based in New York City who works with clients in the area of emotional regulation in SELF.
“It’s not easy for anyone to admit anger issues,” Siddiqi states. “Start by admitting it to yourself, and then admit it to a therapist if you can.” If you cannot access a therapist (here are some guidelines for choosing a low-cost one), Siddiqi recommends discussing with your primary physician about your anger first. Determine if they can assist by assessing your to look for Depression and anxiety, such as referring you to a psychiatrist or therapist.
Find out how to spot patterns.
No matter if you seek professional assistance or not, either way, it is a good choice. Bobby and Siddiqi stress that understanding what’s getting your mind off, and what it is like on a physical scale when you’re just starting to feel stressed out–is essential. “The things that make you angry will make you angry again; it’s rarely a one-time incident,” Siddiqi states. When you identify the triggers that cause your anger and note the first signs of irritation–for example, the tightness in your chest, or a slowed heart rate, you’ll be better prepared to handle your emotions shortly.
Siddiqi provides this illustration of how to address a pattern using a technique to address it: If you recognize that you’re prone to bring stress and anger into your home after work, ask you to take 15 minutes of silence when you arrive at the door could assist you in processing the emotions in a positive method. If you decide to use the time to write your thoughts in a journal or listen to the latest chilled playlist or breathe deeply as you lie on your bed to soothe your nerves and prevent yourself from yelling at your dinner, and improve your anger management skills as time passes.
Alternatively, try exercising or taking a vigorous walk. Since anger is a physiological phenomenon and physical, physical exercise will help reduce your stress, according to the doctor. Bobby says that it is particularly beneficial if you’re suffering from an unrelated mental health issue: Research suggests that exercising can help reduce symptoms of Depression and anxiety in particular.
If yelling at your loved ones is a recurring problem for you, then Dr. Bobby says cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) might help you understand why anger comes out whenever it occurs. The two popular therapies will help you separate the emotions that trigger your anger and uncover the reasons that make you feel angry in the first place, allowing you to begin making strategies for coping or establishing limits. Psychology Today’s Therapist directory has a search function to help you find a suitable CBT or DBT-trained professional or mental health professional that refers explicitly to these treatments on their profile. Therapy for All People is a great option to begin, especially when you have one or more marginalized identities is what makes finding a therapist that “gets” you particularly challenging.
Find out if a specific situation triggers your anger-filled outbursts.
If you’re facing difficult circumstances–a health problem, grief, burnout, a new boss at work, or any other issue, the emotions about your difficult situation can appear on the surface. However, they could manifest as an apparent out-of-the-blue tirade from home or an inexplicably strong desire to give someone the silent treatment for the perceived minor. Siddiqi states that psychologists refer to this as “displacement,” and it’s an effective defense mechanism. “You redirect your anger about something that you can’t control toward another thing that’s way less threatening,” she says. This includes your innocent spouse or parent.
