How to set boundaries with a difficult family member

NEW YORK — Setting and maintaining boundaries within relationships can be complex and long-lasting work, particularly involving one of your family members.

Ms. Nedra Glover Tawwwab, a social worker in clinical practice and the writer of “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships,” offered some tips to aid the emotional process.

DECIDE WHAT A ‘SUCCESSFUL’ RELATIONSHIP WOULD LOOK LIKE TO YOU

Determine what kind of relationship you could be in and would like to maintain with a problematic family member. Perhaps you’re having trouble with your relationship with your parents.

“Success” may mean that you are okay with how your family members are and cease trying to alter the family’s customs, Tawwab explained.

ASK YOURSELF: WHAT CAN I CONTROL?

Ms Tawwab thinks that you can’t alter your family members. “You can only control your side of the street,” she writes. She suggests asking yourself, What if this person did not make any changes? What is it – if anything, can you do to change this relationship better?

Make the form of a list. She said to look at what you can have.

KNOW THAT THE FAMILY MEMBER WILL LIKELY TAKE IT PERSONALLY

In dysfunctional families, dysfunctional changes are often perceived as a rejection, Ms. Tawwab stated. The change request could be met with disapproval or even anger. Being prepared for these reactions will allow you to be more prepared to avoid being injured by family members’ responses.

FIND A HEALTHY DISTANCE

The writer writes that dissociating yourself from a family member is not the same as absconding with that person. Distancing may involve putting time and distance between your family members (for instance, denying invitations to a hotel during holidays for family members).

Distancing can also mean that you are not engaging with someone in aan emotional way(for example, turning conversations away from topics that you’re not comfortable with or excluding the person from a specific area within your own life).

If you’re trying to keep your relationship with a problematic family member simply because it is worth it for you, the acceptance of that person -and a deliberate distance -would give peace of mind, Tawwab writes, but it’s not effortless.