How to Love Yourself For Real, According to Therapists

Advice on how to love yourself is all over the place nowadays. Go to your local store for gifts. You’ll probably discover self-love-enhancing candles topped by rose quartz affirmations for favorable thinking, Card decks, and pillows engraved with Brene Brown self-compassion statements. Browse through Instagram or TikTok, and you’ll see people praising self-love that tend to overlook the numerous complicated reasons that someone could feel self-worthless. This constant stream of “you just have to love yourself” negativity was beautifully (and humorously) depicted in the show’s second season. Euphoria Season 2.

Self-love sells. Are we buying it? Kat is from Euphoria but doesn’t. Although it may seem cheesy or simplistic, most experts in mental wellness will inform that, in one way or another, being gentle with and more accepting of yourself is essential for health, mental well-being, and healthy relationships. But, many causes (trauma or a lifetime of self-criticism and discrimination based on systemic factors) could make this easy-to-understand procedure a lot more complex and easier to say than do.

If you’ve read this article, you will benefit from some help in self-compassion. We’ve sought out some therapists that specialize in this area. Find out the practical suggestions on how to (actually) be yourself and love yourself. No inspirational quotes are needed (but there’s no shame in letting those be helpful to you, too!).

Consider self-love as something you do rather than a goal. And define it in your terms.

There’s no point you have to meet when you genuinely love yourself. Self-love isn’t constant or forever. It’s not the same when you’re “in love” with yourself. If “love” doesn’t feel right to you, consider seeking acceptance or neutrality. “We often define love in this fairytale sense where everything needs to be perfect and then apply that same pressure to self-love, which isn’t realistic,” Whitney Goodman, LMFT, author of Toxic Positivity The Art of Maintaining Your Realness in a World obsessed with Happiness, explains to Self. It’s unnecessary to love every aspect of ourselves, And some days may be more enjoyable than others. Like other long-term relationships, there are times when being a lover can be “just commitment, perseverance, acceptance, or general neutrality,” licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D. as associate professor of psychology in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University and the author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons from Self-discovery to Help You Find the Love You Desire she tells Self. Do not expect to learn new thinking patterns in hours: Like all habits, acceptance and kindness to yourself require practice.

You don’t have to be a lover of your life to be able to accept (or accept or accept) yourself.

Imagine your closest friends and family members who show up with love for you when you’re at your worst, least successful, insert-negative-adjective Self. Then ask yourself whether you would treat yourself like that. We cherish our family and friends regardless of their flaws, yet it’s difficult for many of us to accept our imperfect Self. “When we realize that perfection is not the prerequisite to being loved by other people or loving yourself, we can begin to practice self-acceptance and, maybe eventually, self-love,” Adia Gooden, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist whose Ted talk about “unconditional self-worth” has been watched more than 100,000 times says Self.

However, anyone who’s been weighed down by the thought of shoulds, could, and cans understands that letting go of your mistakes and flaws can seem impossible. “When I work with clients, I see the majority of their suffering coming from a longing for things to be different from how they are,” Goodman states. She employs a dialectical behavior therapy method known as “radical acceptance” to help people accept the realities of their lives while being hopeful for the future.

This is a practice founded on accepting our flawed beings; we must first admit our imperfections. “What we resist persists,” Dr. Gooden says. That is when you refuse to acknowledge the reality of what’s happening, and you’re more likely to be entangled in negative self-talk (“It should not happen like this” or “I shouldn’t have done that”). In contrast, if you’re practicing accepting your reality in non-judgemental terms (“This is the situation I’m in” (or “This is what happened”), you’ll be in your ability to accept and move over the issues you can’t manage. “Accept” is the keyword here. “Accept” is critical here–you do not have to accept what’s going on; it’s just a matter of getting what Dr. Gooden emphasizes. For instance, it’s fine and normal to feel dissatisfied that you weren’t an opportunity to be re-contacted for a follow-up interview, but acknowledging that the circumstances are as they are (“They did not call me back, and I’m upset”) will stop your mind from feeling as if it’s a sign that you are being a failure. It’s essential to stay out of an internal self-blame cycle by acknowledging your feelings and thoughts and then embracing your self-acceptance, not constantly blaming yourself for what you could have done differently (yes, even if you mispronounced the firm’s title).

According to psychologist Dr. Gooden, “Self-forgiveness is a different method that helps cultivate self-love and acceptance. In addition, forgiving yourself is usually much more straightforward in concept than in reality. Still, she suggests letting you off the hook by recognizing your wisdom gained through difficult circumstances. In the event, for instance, you don’t like a relationship, Try not to blame yourself for the five months that you devoted to someone else or the way you behaved, which you’re not proud of. Instead, consider what you’ve learned in these five months to help you later. Self-love does not mean we don’t commit mistakes; it assists our willingness to accept responsibility when we reserve an error we’re not pleased with so that we can advance, says Dr. Gooden.

Important to remember that the process of gaining acceptance and forgiving yourself could result in a hint of profound sadness. “When you think about how much time you’ve spent beating yourself up, comparing yourself to others, or being convinced that you were bad or broken, there can be quite a bit of grief,” Dr. Solomon says. It’s perfectly normal and even healthy to allow yourself to feel the loss in the first place so that you can eventually accept what happened in the past and move on and see your future as a chance to live a different life.

Refuse to believe in your negative mental story by staying faithful to the truth.

Buddhists explain suffering through two arrows. The first is the unfortunate event that occurred to us–a painful and uncontrollable arrow out of our reach. The second arrow represents the narrative our minds tell about the event. The pain is self-inflicted. As Dr. Solomon says, self-love means not shooting ourselves with the second shot. The first arrow, for instance, is the possibility that someone you love will die from COVID-19. The other arrow could be believing that they wouldn’t be dead if you’d gotten them to visit the doctor earlier. It could also be thinking that you should have celebrated the holidays with them despite not being vaccine-free. This is why the situation could be unpleasant, yet the narrative we create about it is usually the root of our pain. But the good news is that we can avoid making it worse by forming a negative report, Solomon says. Solomon says.

If the regrets and other thoughts of guilt begin to creep into the midst of a painful experience, Goodman suggests we look at the facts. “Is there any evidence that supports these thoughts? Do you have any evidence to find that makes things appear less grim? There’s no denial of reality and instead, listing everything that exists simultaneously,” Goodman says. If you’ve been laid off, does this mean you’re not good at your job? Do you have evidence to prove it has nothing to do with your work performance? Your performance at work has been affected by circumstances outside that you can control. Maybe you could have done better at what you did because it wasn’t an excellent match to your strengths and skills, but this doesn’t mean you’re unfit. If you can identify each aspect, it makes you better equipped to know the things you’re not in control of. You can also not let a problematic experience determine your self-worth.

Another method of challenging our negative thoughts about ourselves is to question what the ideas we are referring to come from the Dr. Gooden says. For instance, postings on social media that cause comparisons can lead to negative self-talk. Think about the filter-filtered Instagram photos of people you’ve never had the pleasure of seeing since your high school days. These posts can make you feel that your life isn’t as good as theirs or that you’re somehow less valuable. The psychologist Dr. Gooden suggests asking yourself, “Where is that story coming from?” and “Is it acute?” These questions can make you realize that your negative self-talk typically isn’t factual and results from a culture or childhood experiences.

Sometimes, we take on our inner voice as highly critical parents, for example. Dr. Solomon says: The mother was self-deprecating and was constantly scolding herself for her mistakes. And the father who would be quick to draw attention to the physical flaws he perceived. The process of breaking intergenerational patterns can be challenging to achieve. However, it can also be empowering in building self-love. “It’s exciting to realize that negative patterns, like being severely critical of your body or abilities, can stop with you,” Dr. Solomon says.

Self-love doesn’t involve blaming parents or caregivers. There is a chance that the caregivers were doing their best when they brought you up, but you still need to receive the support you required as a child. “We are not responsible for those were hurt, misunderstood, or neglected by caregivers when we were children,” Dr. Solomon says. “But it is our responsibility, as adults, to address and adjust the coping strategies we developed to deal with that pain.” She suggests that learning to accept what’s happened in the past and then deal with it–perhaps through a therapist or therapist if you’re struggling by yourself–can aid in gaining self-love.

Recognize that trauma and oppression can make self-love difficult.

If you’re part of a historically oppressed or marginalized group, you can internalize the messages of society that say that you’re not important. Even when you don’t think those beliefs about your group are accurate about you, according to the psychologist Dr. Gooden, there can be pressure to do your best to disprove these beliefs. “Some people start to neglect their physical, emotional, and mental needs in the process of trying to prove, on an outward level, that they’re worthy and deserve respect,” she explains.

It is also difficult for those who have suffered trauma, who frequently struggle with self-blame and shame, to believe they’re worthy of being loved. In the case of interpersonal trauma, for example, sexual assault, or any other incident that goes against boundaries, the message is that you aren’t worth the respect you deserve. “It’s widespread for survivors of trauma to internalize that message and think, There must be something wrong with me that this person did this to me,” Dr. Gooden says.

Overcoming trauma and oppression is a huge challenge on your own. That is why Dr. Gooden and Dr. Solomon recommend addressing these concerns with a professional if you can. Here are suggestions on locatinga culturally competent therapist and some tips for finding the most affordable. However, attempting to be kinder to our bodies could be an initial step toward healing. “When we honor our bodies, we can shift our relationship with them away from judgment and acknowledge that they–and we–are worthy of love and care,” Dr. Gooden says. What does honoring your body like? She suggests soothing self-care basics such as soaking in a warm bathtub with oily essentials, candle scents, or lining for your most-loved music and dancing inside your home. However, self-care centered on your body does not have to appear like this. Walking or eating delicious food and wearing comfortable clothing could appeal to you.

Establish boundaries in real life and on the internet–to increase your self-esteem.

The setting of boundaries in relationships is a vital step to cultivating self-love. Do not give your time or energy to friends, parents, or spouses who cause feelings of being unworthy, The psychologist Dr. Solomon advises. “Part of practicing self-love is not seeking water from an empty well,” she declares. “I recommend making relational and sexual chocenteredenter around pleasure, comfort, safety, and communication.” For instance, you may have to break up an affair with someone who makes you feel uneasy aSelf yourself (a red flag in romantic relationships). However, if you cannot cut off all communication instantly or even at all (in the situation of a demanding boss, for example, or parents who are critical of you), Try doing radical acceptance (as previously mentioned) and setting small limits according to Dr. Solomon says–like ending a phone conversation with a beloved one who’s making you feel uneasy and not checking email at work at a specific time at night.

Remember that loving or, at the very minimum, accepting yourself is an important goal.

As we’ve mentioned before, social media influencers can make self-love appear superficial or even dangerous (as in, using ” self-love ” to avoid responsibility for actions taken or to attribute success to self-love, not the merits of their position). Self-love can profoundly impact your life when you consider it to be acceptance of who you are and an effort to improve yourself. “Self-love doesn’t mean apathy and not making a difference It’s ace best way to build a loving and healthy relationship with other people. It’s the ideal foundation to for becoming parents. It’s the ideal foundation to pass on your talents while working globally,” Dr. Gooden states.