How to End a Relationship Without Being a Total Jerk
If you’ve found yourself on this page, you’re likely contemplating ending your relationship with someone. We must be taught how to break up a relationship and, even more importantly, how to do it respectfully. If you need help and a plan, be assured you’re not alone. Not every relationship ends with an explosive dispute, an unsolved scandal of the cheating affair, or a clear indication that this relationship is over. Sometimes, relationships splinter out in more subtle or one-sided ways, making ending things more complicated. What can you do to make the best decision when you’re most likely to hurt those you love in the way you do?
SELF interviewed a handful of relationship experts for suggestions on navigating this arduous but essential aspect of dating. (Worth noting that if you’re trying to end an abusive relationship specifically, you should find out how to complete your relationship with an abusive partner safely. Although some of the suggestions listed below might be useful in certain aspects of the situation, resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline can offer support specific to your situation.)
What can you tell if it’s the right time to break up
The first step to end the relationship with respect as you can is to ensure you are getting what you would like. It may seem obvious. However, it can be more complex.
“People usually do not feel 100% confident about ending a relationship,” Casey Tanner, M.A., LCPC, AASECT-certified sexual therapist and co-founder of The Expansive Group, informs the magazine SELF. “More often, people have parts of themselves that want to leave and others that want to stay.”
If you’re in a similar circumstance, figuring out what to do next took work. To avoid a rash breakup, Tanner recommends considering the consistency and persistence of your desire to break up with your partner. If it’s been just for a couple of weeks, allow for the possibility that you’re going through a rough time and might be able to be back in touch with your partner if that’s your goal over the long haul.
Tanner suggests pondering what you need to alter for the relationship to improve and whether you’ve allowed it to develop. For example, have you talked about your concerns with your partner? Have they demonstrated the ability to change your needs in past conversations regarding your relationship? Suppose the reason for moving on isn’t a significant issue (like discovering that your partner won’t have children when you do or separating from love). In that case, it may be worth putting in some effort before deciding to end your relationship.
Shadeen Francis is an LMFT therapist for couples specializing in emotional intelligence. She compares an emotional breakup to a smooth landing on a plane. “A pilot lets you know you’re approaching a landing significantly before they start bringing down the plane,” she informs SELF. It should not come as a total surprise to your loved ones when you announce your decision to end things. Try to let your partner know the reasons why you’re not happy before deciding to close the door. Not only will this allow you to avoid being blindsided by your partner as well, but it will also provide you with the opportunity and time to be sure that this is the best decision for you.
A significant reason not to do this is when you are confident, deep in your heart, that you won’t be content in this relationship; you or your partner or circumstances change in specific ways. It’s entirely acceptable to end an unsatisfactory relationship when it’s most beneficial for you, even without significant or immediate problems, even if you’ve not allowed the connection to alter. It’s usually possible to determine how to end an affair in a manner you’re happy about in those conditions.
Finding out the “best” time to end things
Although there’s never the perfect moment to break up with somebody, there are plenty of times when it’s not the best. For instance, a birthday celebration. Or right before heading to work for a significant presentation. In essence, you should be aware of what is happening in the lives of your spouse and not add more stress to an already stressful period (if you can at all), according to Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and a sex and marriage therapist. “If your partner is an accountant and it’s the middle of tax season–not a good time,” Dr. Fleming says. In the same way, you wouldn’t wish to end the relationship if people are grieving over the loss of a loved one, quitting their job, or another troubling or tragic has occurred in their lives.
However, it’s difficult to pinpoint a “good” time, and it’s not a wise idea to compromise your requirements by remaining in a relationship you do not wish to be a part of to protect your spouse, according to Shanet Dennis, an LMFT, a therapist for marriage and family located in New York. She has some tips for dealing with a breakup delicately, even if it’s impossible to stay clear of mistakes in timing. Consider the setting: Choose an intimate time and location to avoid any potential audience. And then, admit that you know it isn’t a good moment. You could say, “I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, but I can’t put off this conversation.”
Ensuring you are confident enough to engage in conversation is also crucial. Make time to write down your thoughts, become organized, and play the conversation several times. “You could play it through with a friend or do it in the mirror, but just get comfortable with the words because it’s likely to be an emotional conversation,” Dr. Fleming says.
How do you have the breakup talk?
A respectful breakup can be an open and honest conversation. Be ready for it to take some time. “It’s creating space for both of you to say goodbye,” Dr. Fleming says.
If everything went as planned, you’d be able to come into the conversation with no regret. It’s all about ensuring that you’ve done everything you can, within the limits of reason, and to help ensure that the relationship is working and still be loyal to your desires, which might include having a complicated conversation about your relationship or couple therapy. Even though it may seem like it wasn’t worth it, even if you’re going to end the relationship, all of that effort can go a long way toward helping you have a constructive, respectful conversation about why you can’t progress in your relationship.
Before beginning the discussion, note why you believe the relationship should end but don’t place all the responsibility on the other person. “If you understand your reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship or in that particular relationship, be clear on it because that eliminates some of the pain,” Dennis states. She suggests focusing on you in explaining the reasons. Instead of telling yourself, “You never have enough time for me,” concentrate on your emotions and state, “I’ve realized this relationship isn’t fulfilling my needs.” Although there are no guarantees to avoid feelings, putting the spotlight on the things you’re missing out on in your relationship will keep any blame games minimal. “It just lands a little differently,” Dennis states. “You’re saying the same thing, but from the ‘I’ perspective, it doesn’t feel like an attack.”
It’s crucial to give your partner the time to discuss their feelings. Be aware that everyone will come into the discussion with diverse perspectives and requirements. Validation is vital regarding a breakup, but it’s crucial to be mindful that proof is not the same as acceptance, according to Dr. Fleming. For instance, you could declare, “I hear you” or “I understand why you’re hurting,” but without saying that, you must share your views. “The important piece about this is reflective listening,” Dr. Fleming says. You’re acknowledging your partner’s feelings (within the boundaries of reason) while empathizing and allowing them to be accepted.
Although you’d like to understand and respect your partner’s point of view, Dennis cautions against focusing too much on placing yourself in their position. “Breakups can be unpredictable, and the initiator is taking a big step towards choosing self,” she states. The goal of ending your relationship should be to avoid harming yourself and not attempt to get your partner’s point of view.
Beyond allowing for a civil conversation, Tanner recommends avoiding giving false hopes that you will be reunited shortly. “If you’re sure about your decision to break up with this person, stay strong in that decision and don’t communicate about the possibility of the relationship reopening,” Tanner says. Tanner.
Making the post-breakup time less painful
When the conversation is finished, respect the privacy level your partner seeks reasonably. If they’d like to put off for a couple of days or weeks before telling their friends and family members that your relationship has ended and you’re unable to comply, try to respect their request. In the same way, it’s an ideal idea to follow their advice regarding following up with them after the breakup. If they’re looking for an immediate and clear break, make sure you respect that. However, should they decide to continue communicating in a manner you don’t like, Be clear about it.
Of course, any relationship that has existed for more than a couple of months will require a lot of logistics to handle in the event of an eventual breakup. Do you continue to follow each other through social networks? Do you have a common interest in birthday parties and other celebrations of friends? If you live together, which of you is moving out, and who will keep what? If there are pets, Do you share custody, or does one individual have the pets? Unfortunately, there’s no simple method to end the relationship. The questions you ask should be addressed in the initial discussion about breaking up or you’ll need to plan a second meeting to determine what will happen right now. Dennis recommends laying out your plan of action before the breakup even occurs. “You don’t want your next move to depend on your ex,” she suggests. This could mean finding a suitable place to stay in a home where you live together and creating a list of all the things you have brought to your shared living space or been able to leave at your partner’s house.
If you choose to continue a discussion about issues, you’ll need to be as polite as possible while recognizing that emotions can still be elevated. When you’re having these conversations, “pay attention to your emotional thermometer,” Dr. Fleming says. If the conversation is getting excessively intense, it is possible to take an unplanned break and then return to it later or handle the details via texts or emails. Apart from being less emotional and less stressful, Dennis says this also offers the advantage of having your agreement on paper. If anything goes wrong, keeping an official document is beneficial.
Once the specifics are sorted out, there is no standard to guide you and your ex-partner to go forward. If you want to have a peaceful breakup, talking about and respecting your boundaries is crucial. “Use common sense and trust your gut when it tells you what kind of communication feels values aligned, and which communication is preventing necessary healing,” Tanner states.
Breaking up with your lover may be challenging without damaging the relationship. However, if you approach the discussion respectfully, honestly, and respectfully, you’ll make a massive difference in making the process more comfortable for all involved.
