How our bedtime routine works

Now that the holidays have ended, everyone has returned to work and nursery. The morning lie-ins will be over. We don’t have them often because we have two small children. Ironically, sleep is what we long for. Connie, who is three years old (or almost four, as she says), is a bright, articulate little girl. Olive is two-and-a-half, profoundly deaf, and has cerebral palsy with quadriplegia. She also has a wonderful sense of humor. She had sequential bilateral cochlear implants (one aged 18 months, one aged 25 months).

I enjoy my children’s company during the day. Like most parents, however, I want quiet time after they have gone to sleep. This quiet time allows me to clean up the mess left by two pre-schoolers. Or, I could watch TV while I finish my half-eaten meal and feed everyone else. Let’s face it: I could lie in bed and try to fall asleep while staring at my phone.

I have mixed feelings when it comes to bedtime. Connie was always a good sleeper. I used to be the smug mother who told others how to get their children to go to sleep because I’d mastered this skill. Then we had Olive. Olive is a poor sleeper. She can wake herself up in the middle of the night because she has cerebral palsy. It was difficult to get her to sleep some nights because of her deafness. She resists sleep and wants to be with us until she falls asleep. I’m a parent who is deaf and find it hard to imagine what it would be like to drift off to sleep silently.
I get a sense of dread when getting them ready for bed. Olive may be a good sleeper but wake up later and remain awake for hours. She may smile and make a lot of noise, or she might stay up until midnight. Eventually, she will cry and go to sleep. It’s not that I moan (well, maybe just a little); it’s something we’ve grown accustomed to.

We enjoyed the bedtime story with them. We read a bedtime story together most nights. Olive’s implanted ears usually go off after she gets out of the shower. We do our best to follow a routine, but we are not a ‘Gina Ford family.’ We try to stick to a way of dinner, bath, reading, and going to bed, but sometimes it happens at 7 pm, and on other nights, they’re barely in their pajamas by 9 pm. Only when we are both together can we get that far. Sometimes, if it’s only me and my partner, we end up all in bed together unwashed. I have given up on trying to wash myself!

Before I had children, I was amazed at how many people complained about their bedtimes. Even when we only had one child, I thought it was easy for us. After those sleepless nights, I now feel sorry for those who told me it was hard for them. I thought, “It can’t really be that difficult, surely?” ‘I’m paying for my arrogance…

There is no single solution that fits everyone. It’s possible to try different methods, but if your child has a bad sleep pattern, it is not as simple as getting them into a routine. Olive’s situation is not unlike that of many deaf kids, especially those who have complex needs. Many parents I have spoken to struggle to get their children to sleep.

We spent hours every night arguing about the best way to put Olive to sleep. We tried different smells, sleep positions, and night lights. One time, we were almost tempted to buy a special pillow that promised sleep for all children. We’ve used Roman chamomile on her bedding for the past two weeks, and she’s slept better. But I’m writing about this after a night of midnight to 4 am wakefulness. We never know what to expect.

We have found that sensory strategies are very useful. Early on, we discovered that the myth of deaf children having heightened senses is not true. Olive is able to sense wobbly floors in other parts of the house. While drifting to sleep, she seems to be more sensitive to temperature, heat changes and smells. I used to do a lot of baking, especially at night, but now I have to stop because she’ll wake up if she smells anything. Although it may seem strange to say, it is true.

We both have experience working with children who have sensory issues, so it was only natural that we would consider her sensory needs when discussing how to get her to sleep. Sleep hygiene is a term that people use to describe a calm, consistent environment. We stay in her room when she wakes up, keep the same routine and lighting, and avoid air fresheners or perfumes (usually, a few drops of essential oils on her bedding). This is a firm touch that I use on her back or chest to calm her. It’s like a gentle massage.

Both my husband and I have different ways of doing it, but they both work. Rhys puts her down on the floor and gently pats her on her back rhythmically until she falls asleep (this works sometimes when she wakes up in the middle of the night). I cuddle her tightly into me, occasionally rubbing the palm of my hand down her arms and body as if it were a massage. We don’t plan to do this forever. We would feel embarrassed if our daughter was 16 years old and still relied on this method, but we are sticking to it for the sake of our sanity.

She still wakes up sometimes, but I will be honest. We feel that we are doing something and moving forward. Slowly. Slowly. There’s nothing secret about it. Based on our experience, we found a solution that worked for Olive. You have to be patient and enjoy those nights when they sleep, even if it’s hard. It’s good to know you aren’t the only parent whose child isn’t sleeping, but it can be hard when you wake up at 3 am wondering what’s wrong. After two and a half years of having little sleep, I tell myself that it’s a phase. Let’s hope so!