How Object Relations Theory Can Help You

The theory explains how we view others. Do we treat them as if we are their only source of happiness or as part of our own. Think about the people you know and how they feel around you. Good object relations are when you feel valued, appreciated, and seen by others. If you feel unheard, unheard, and devalued by someone, it is likely that they view you as a poor object relation.

Here’s an example. One winter, a client of mine had a mother who was extremely narcissistic and said to her husband the following: “I’m cold.” You need to put on a sweater.” This comment pretty much sums up object relations. The mother didn’t see her son in law (or anyone else) as an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and needs. He was an object to her, and in this instance, must be like she. He needed a sweater because she was cold.

Knowing the history of my client’s mother, I was able to understand why she struggled with empathy. When she was six years of age, her father died from pneumonia. Her sweet but passive mother later married a cold and domineering man who wanted her child. My client’s mother was then pushed aside. Her mother did not see her as an independent entity with desires and needs, but rather as an extension of herself. My client’s mother was too focused on her own needs to survive, which led to neglecting the needs of others.

My client would have been more emotionally supportive if her grandmother had viewed her daughter as having different desires from her own. My client’s mother’s attitude towards her client is the same. If your mother/father/sister/brother or friend/partner/spouse/colleague/boss shows little empathy toward you, you can pretty much bet that they were objectified as a child and not valued in their own right.

Although we cannot undo the mistakes of our childhoods, we can now see that even though we feel undervalued and unloved we are still loved. Understanding that our parents misperceived our worth and lovability is key. This is all we can do.