Having an Avoidant Attachment Style Isn’t a Relationship Death Sentence

Attachment theory appears to be everywhere in my life, from my personal life and community of queer people to #therapish Instagram. This is for a reason: It’s a practical framework to understand our current patterns of relationships as well as the experiences of the past that have shaped them, providing us the opportunity to make an impact and a meaningful change.

Is attachment theory a fundamental concept?

The concept was first developed in the latter half of 1950 by the development psychologists John Bowlby, M.D., along with Mary Ainsworth, Ph.D.; attachment theory was designed to explore the relationships between children and their caregivers. In the late 1980s, attachment theory was developed by Cindy Hazan, Ph.D. psychologist at the associate faculty of Cornell University, and Phillip Shaver, Ph.D., director of the Adult Attachment Lab at UC Davis, who used similar concepts to romantic relationships for adults. What is the best way to “attach” to people tasked with fulfilling our demands? How do our relationships with family caregivers during childhood affect how we present in romantic relationships as adults?

Based on Dr. Hazan and Dr. Shaver and Dr. Shaver and Dr. Hazan, four adult attachment types exist. Each is connected to a particular relationship with your caregivers during childhood. However, it is also possible to develop an attachment pattern that isn’t compatible with your childhood experiences precisely the same way. Attachment styles have many different aspects, from how they grow to how they appear. In that regard, these are the four attachment types to be aware of:

• The secure attachment is where your emotional requirements were satisfied in your childhood. Consequently, we’re confident in (and feel safe with) other people.
• An anxious attachment in which our caregiver(s) could switch between responding and not being available left us desperate for security.
• An avoidant connection occurs when our caregiver(s) do not respond to our demands, resulting in the desire to defend ourselves and others by preventing them from coming near.
• Afflicted in a disorganized manner in which the caregiver(s) were an irritant because they were unpredictable or abusive, and we tried everything possible (both anxious and avoidant behavior) to make sure our needs were fulfilled.

It is important to remember that attachment types are not psycho-diagnoses. Instead, attachment theory is more of an outline of our relationship fears, where they originate from, and the coping strategies we’ve developed to feel secure. In her work Polysecure: Trauma, Attachment, and Consensual Non-Monogamy, psychologist Jessica Fern explains this: “Early childhood attachment experiences become the blueprint for the kinds of connections we go on to expect and seek in our adult romantic relationships.”

Whatever your attachment style, secure and healthy relations are feasible; specific, secure attachments can help you interact with others successfully. But affluent, avoidant, and unorganized attachments don’t have to be. These attachment types tend to be “just variations of the norm and are a mixed bag–they have their advantages and disadvantages,” Amir Levine, M.D., neuroscientist and psychiatrist at Columbia University and co-author of Attached: The Latest Science of Adult Attachment and how it can help you find and keep love in the magazine SELF.

The trick is to be conscious of how your attachment is displayed and how it interacts with your potential partner. Being aware of your differences from your friends is an excellent first step towards finding a way to resolve (and even avoid) conflict in relationships in general. Attachment is no exception in this regard, the psychologist Dr. Levine notes.

What’s the problem with attachers that are not avoidant, however?

Avoidant attachments and the tendency to keep their inner worlds hidden and avoid emotionally challenging discussions can be tough to break. Avoidantly attached people are more prone to “shutting down, numbing, rigid compartmentalizing, and pushing away,” Mary Chen, the LFMT, informs the magazine SELF. And these suppression techniques can feel “exactly like rejection” to their partners, making it hard to approach–and therefore understand–avoidants!

The distant, cold-walled-up model of avoidance is one I recognize because I, myself, am not opposed to being attracted. My main focus through therapy during the past two years is understanding how that was shaped in my childhood and manifested in my relationships with people. My parents were strict and were usually skeptical or resentful of my feelings and taught me that being vulnerable was risky and that my emotions should be kept private. I was taught that others were not trustworthy enough to meet my desires. I developed into a person who is adamant about independence and self-control and cannot reach out for help. “I can take care of it myself” was my mantra.

As an adult, I get desperate and try to keep myself from being emotional with other people. It is difficult for me to accept vulnerability (like really hard–sometimes it can trigger feelings of disgust that are visceral). It takes a lot of time to allow me to be vulnerable and let go of my barriers. I need more space and time to manage and process my emotions than others may. When conflicts arise, I become emotionally numb and often become defensive, even reaching the point of degrading other people’s emotional expressions. Additionally, I’m quick to take comments as criticism.

If this is the case for you, you’re not alone. Hazan and Shaver’s groundbreaking work in the 1980s examined the responses of 620 people who self-reported attachment avoiders comprise 25 percent of the people–and they were able to identify Dr. Levine’s estimates that the number may be higher in the future.

Those who avoid being attached could be thought of as being stoic or having our shittogether. Still, in reality, we are afflicted by deep fears of relationships (usually of becoming too entangled with our spouses and losing independence) and needing attention. However, our inability to feel safe enough to communicate can leave our partners confused by our actions and unsure of how to take care of us.

Getting over this issue should be the bulk of our job. We who avoid being attached bear the same obligation to be aware of our relationship patterns – in all their splendor and damage- and to learn new techniques to perform more effectively and safely.

People who are avoiding attachment may struggle to recognize the ways they’re acting (and why it’s damaging); however, it’s not the case for Dr. Levine says that it’s an untruth that those who avoid have a lower likelihood to focus on healing their attachments as compared to those who have other attachment types. Of course, the best method of understanding your past trauma and the course-correcting behavior is to consult an experienced therapist (you may even look up therapists who claim to be certified in attachment therapy through Psychology Today‘s database). Remember to consider the importance of a secure relationship. “People can attune their attachment systems to the feeling of safety by having healing relationships,” Chen says. “Any long-term, emotionally intimate relationship–including friendship–can be a good place to practice noticing what you need from someone and finding ways to ask for it.”

Suppose you’d like to remain in a relationship with one who isn’t, especially if you perceive them as being anxiously attached. In that case, you should make some effort in your relationship style and how to make your uninvolved partner feel more secure.

Do not get me wrong: There’s a distinction between someone who’s an absolute person (and, for example, dragging your hands in sporadic communications) as opposed to someone who tends to avoid attachment but is a loving and supportive companion. Suppose behaviors that aren’t unacceptable to others frighten your nervous system or appear alarmed. In that case, it’s a good reason to break off any relationship, regardless of how much effort the person who avoids you is putting into it! It’s unnecessary to stay in relationships that aren’t well for you. Moreover, relationships with different attachments can be problematic.

But if you’re searching for ways to build better relations with your partner who’s elusive, I’ve got good information: It’s doable. The psychologist Dr. Levine explains that the best method to work instead of against your partner’s attraction is to take care of the internal attachment system before it’s activated.

So, whether you’re avoiding attraction or have a love for the person who is (or both), Let me be the whisperer who avoids and provides a better understanding of what happens for many of us psychologically when we are in relationships, as well as how our partners can help us.

Find out how people who aren’t averse to being seen and how they can show up for us.

Like everything connected to human emotions and behaviors, avoidant attachments don’t have the same characteristics. The exact ways that avoidant attachment manifests and how to deal with relationships with an avoidant attachment partner–can vary from individual to individual. However, there are some broad guidelines that experts in the field and avoidant attachments have found helpful.

The misadjustment of our caregivers is a real pain for our feelings. Fern explains that “parenting that is cold, distant, critical, or highly focused on achievement or appearance can create an environment where the child learns that they are better off relying on themselves.” This insensitivity we experienced as children trained our brains to view vulnerability as weakness based on the survival scale. The rest of our life grew out of this base. There’s no need to make us hard in our way. Our brains haven’t been trained to perform anything else.

We indeed crave intimate relationships. “Avoidants do feel intense emotions, including deep and consuming love,” Iris* 26, who describes herself as being avoidantly attached, told Self. You have to feel our independence is in place before we can tear our walls, fall, and connect. Doctor. In his sessions with clients and in his forthcoming book, Levine draws a parallel to gaining trust from people who avoid attachment and wooing outdoor cats. Leave food on the table, and they will come, he claims. That is, give us the time and space needed to build trust, as long it is what you want, and eventually, we’ll feel comfortable with you.

We experience lots. Adults who are constantly attached feel more than they’re telling themselves. We tend to go into ourselves when we’re feeling emotional distress instead of reaching out our horizons. If we’re feeling sluggish, it’s to be a sign that we’re overwhelmed with emotions that we’re overwhelmed. “Big emotions can be overwhelming and hard to sort into words,” Iris states. “And I tend to remain quiet about them for that reason.” It could take more time than is suitable for you to process and articulate your emotions clearly. There may be times when we need to pause conversations if we are experiencing dysregulation and then return at a later time. It’s our job to inform others of this and keep the promise to return to the conversation. It’s beneficial. However, it’s best to refrain from forcing us to discuss the topic whenever we’re stimulated.

We require help to be at risk. “When an avoidantly attached person experiences their human vulnerability, it can be really uncomfortable and even flat-out terrifying,” Chen describes. “Their history has convinced them that those needs won’t be met, so they want to escape that feeling.” However, vulnerability is an integral part of intimacy. For us, we have to be able to overcome the fear of vulnerability that makes it terrifying. In your case, establishing a safe environment where we can practice vulnerability, provided it’s safe for you, could aid us in learning this new set of skills.

We all require space and time; however, that’s our responsibility, not yours. The way that avoiders regain their sense of safety is typically by self-regulation. Allowing ourselves to be alone for a while will build the trust we need to be connected. Dr. Levine explains that if we are given plenty of space to ourselves to create safety, avoidant attachments could (and can) be more comfortable with relationships and seek more intimacy. Taking time for ourselves enables us to appear more mindful and balanced within our relationship. Communicating early regarding expectations for time spent with and without will help everyone meet their needs or inform you whether a possible romantic relationship has a problem.

We’re extremely sensitive to criticism, both real and imagined. Many avoidants have the fear that they are “wrong” in trying their best but somehow failing. Chen states that although “being sensitive to criticism is healthy,” avoidantly associated people may be “more dysfunctionally sensitive to criticism when they don’t trust that they’re lovable even when they’re flawed.” Chen advises that if one wants to provide feedback to someone who is avoidant and wants to offer input, one must “find non-threatening contexts for the conversation,” such as sitting with them or taking walks. In communicating your complaints, using “I statements” and finding common ground can help keep the conversation from becoming a battle.

It’s important to remember that, in the end, we are individuals who avoid responsibility for our development.

A loving relationship, as I said, helps those who avoid relationships feel more secure and at ease with intimate relationships; however, the actual responsibility lies with us. Like many self-improvement efforts, the doctor. Levine says the first step in fixing our attachment is accepting important for avoidantly attached people to understand that there may be a need to have a little bit more distance from people, but that’s okay,” Dr. Levine says. “You don’t have to beat yourself up for it.”

That’s how I’m working with my attachment: allowing it to be the foundation while learning new ways to respond in relationships–through lots of practice. Being more understood and receiving compassion from other people helps make it easier for me to make the right choices.