Everyone Has Relationship Deal-Breakers. Here’s How to Identify Yours
The factors determining a relationship’s success are entirely personal: The fact that you don’t like cats, for example, or have poor hygiene could be enough to end the relationship for certain people. However, others can ignore these same irritants. There are specific behavior patterns that aren’t acceptable for sure, including the most egregious types of abuse–but generally speaking, there aren’t a lot of hard-and-fast guidelines that define the exact qualities, behaviors, or actions that can disqualify individuals from being a suitable romantic partner.
It’s crucial for everyone to set their own guidelines for what they’ll and won’t allow in their relationships; Marie Murphy, Ph.D., is a counselor specializing in conflicts between people and hosts of the My Secret is Secure With Me podcast. She tells SELF.
“Everyone has deal-breakers, in some form or another, and I encourage my clients to be as clear as they can when it comes to what’s most important to them or what they do and don’t want in a healthy relationship,” Dr. Murphy says. For instance, some people have a 100% certainty that they would like (or do not desire) children and want an ally who shares the same values. It’s also possible that the reasons for a deal-breaker are based on and subject to alteration. Your stance on vaccination wasn’t a factor in your life before the outbreak, but now you’re faced with specific demands regarding your family’s safety and health. Maybe you weren’t aware of the importance of politics in your life until you started being with someone with entirely different opinions.
Knowing your boundaries is essential; however, discussing them with your prospective partner is a more complicated or romantic discussion. Although it’s tempting to skip this awkward conversation completely for the sake of having an enjoyable relationship (and to safeguard your mental well-being), it’s essential to think about and be certain of your guidelines, as Dr. Murphy says–whether you’re thinking about re-entering dating sites and looking to meet someone real or with a partner who you trust.
How can you determine the deal-breakers in your relationship?
A few of them may be apparent. For example, if you cannot imagine your life that isn’t filled with travel or a partner looking to remain near home is unlikely to satisfy you. Other non-negotiables could not be as clear-cut. Do you think someone sensitive to your pet is considered an offense when you’re dog-friendly, or is it based on other aspects?
Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is essential and what’s not. If you’re uncertain of where to begin, Consider these guidelines:
Review what worked and what didn’t in your relationships.
“Realistically, we may not know what our deal-breakers are until we encounter them first-hand,” Dr. Murphy says. Therefore, identifying the elements that cause you to be offended or that are not in line with your beliefs could require looking back at your past romantic relationships and flings to determine what you’ll and will not sacrifice. Perhaps you remember, for instance, feeling that your college crush was always late because you thought you were disrespected or didn’t like how your former love constantly wanted your attention, especially since you genuinely appreciate your time alone.
The thought of coping with these issues once again makes you crazy in a non-sensical way; that’s an indicator that you’ve got some problems to solve. The idea is to think about why your ex-lovers were your exes to be clear about what will work and what won’t in the future.
Go with your gut.
“But wait: I haven’t dated much!” If this is your first romantic affair or your list of previous lovers isn’t extensive, chances are you don’t have any prior experiences to use for guidance on making a decision–and that’s ok. Instead, Dr. Murphy recommends trusting your intuition because nobody has more insight into you than you.
“There are some things in life that we simply know we want and don’t want without having to think about it very much,” she says. If you’re a committed Christian or a devoted Catholic, for example, you realize you’re searching for a partner with those same beliefs and opinions. If a “flashy” lifestyle isn’t a significant concern for you, then something similar to their car, clothes, or wealth isn’t a big deal.
However, you may need to be entirely sure if a divergence in opinions, say, or a nagging issue, is something you want to eliminate or begin a relationship over. In this situation, do this simple exercise suggested by Shadeen Francis, LMT, a therapist for individuals and couple’s therapist with a specialization in emotional intelligence. (1) Be aware of the things you can wish to achieve. (2) Admit it. (3) Promote it. Let’s say you’ve had a relationship with someone who is constantly checking their messages. Perhaps you are aware that you value your presence and the quality of time you spend with your partner and are annoyed by the feeling that someone is distracted by their phone when they’re on dates. If you acknowledge the truth that this isn’t an essential quality that you can compromise and you’re not sure if you’ll end up with a decision-maker such as: “I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with someone who’s always on their cell when we’re together.” Then, you can be a defender of what you would like by telling your partner that if meals without technology aren’t something you and your partner can agree on, it’s ideal to stop communicating.
What are some common deal-breakers?
As we said, deal-breakers depend on one’s preferences, wants or needs, communication style, or personality.
There are, however, typical relationship warning signs worth observing, such as a partner who has an issue with their anger, who is known to punch walls when they’re angry, for example, or who won’t introduce them to their friends without providing a reason. Another issue that is often a deal-breaker is the words of the doctor. Murphy: What counts as a sign of commitment? If you’re in a monogamous relationship or otherwise doesn’t matter, but it’s vital to determine if you believe that commenting with your eyes on someone else’s Instagram post is thought of as an act of cheating emotionally, such as, for example, or if keeping in touch to the person they’ve previously dated could lead to an automatic break-up. The definition of monogamy and non-monogamy isn’t always the same for everyone, and it’s crucial to ensure you’re on the same level.
In that regard, sexual compatibility is another potential point of dispute. “People have radically different preferences when it comes to sex, in terms of how often they prefer to have it, the kinds of things they like to do, what they will and will not try, etc.,” Dr. Murphy says. Sexual chemical chemistry isn’t necessary for anyone. Still, you don’t want to be pressured to have a sex session, and you don’t want to be judged because of whatever (harmless) kinks or sexual fetishes you like that someone else might not.
Of course, there are also simple lifestyle variations. Early birds prefer to spend time with their loved ones, so those who stay up late and get up at noon will probably need more time to make it through. Maybe you’re fond of communication, but your love interest is…not the type to take a lot of time to reply to messages and may go for days without talking to you, leaving you feeling confused or frustrated. All these are a sign that they’re not the person for you.
It’s essential to stay on the same page regarding finances and debt, Dr. Murphy adds, because tension is likely to build when you choose to save money. At the same time, your spouse enjoys spending or “treating themselves” regularly–credit card debts be damned!
What is the best way (and what time) to address breakpoints?
Now you’ve had a moment of reflection and compiled an inventory of your top issues. How can you communicate these to a prospective lover or your current partner without causing them to be afraid or appearing “too picky”? Here are some options:
Write down your deal-breakers right before the beginning of the relationship, but ideally.
The idea of bringing up your nonnegotiables can be nerve-racking–especially if your budding romance is fragile and new. However, discussing them initially helps prevent the inevitable pain of discovering that you and the person do not mesh. “It’s really about what your needs are,” Shanet Dennis, an LMFT therapist for marriage and family based in New York, tells SELF. “And if you communicate that early on, you give the other person the option to choose to be a part of that or not.”
It could be scary as it can trigger fears of rejection and isolation. “But the reality is, if people know what they’re getting up-front and choose to stay, then they’re getting the real you and not the representative,” Dennis states. If you choose not to pay attention to something essential to you at the start of your relationship, you’ll be angry and dissatisfied in the future.
Suppose you’re looking to meet someone online. In that case, the easiest and least stressful way to announce your deal-breakers is to include things such as “must love cats” or “not interested in smokers” on your personal profile page, Megan Fleming, Ph.D., who is a couple and sex therapist from New York, suggests. This will allow you to identify people who might not be an ideal match before you even meet them. A shopping list of must-haves and no-needs may also turn off people (and makes it almost impossible to meet someone to get together with). It’s recommended to stick to the essentials and let other things- like your desire to relocate to the suburbs or your professional goals- become apparent in conversations.
If you already have a relationship with someone, it’s best to chat and discuss your personal boundaries with them.
For those in a relationship for a long time, discussing personal issues will likely be a continuous process that could arise in response to unavoidable circumstances, according to Dr. Murphy. Perhaps, for instance, you and your spouse were always there and interested in dates initially, but it’s only possible to have an evening with them taking their phones. If this wasn’t a rule you set early and you’re not sure how to handle it, bring the subject up right now, ideally in a moment when neither person is disoriented or stressed–to ensure that you’re on the same page regarding the things that matter to you.
For relationships with a newer status, in which you’re sure it’s becoming more serious but you’ve not had “the talk,”–this space is a bit difficult to navigate. You’re confident that you like the person, and they want you, and the boundary debate is something you’d like to get through to get things going; however, you’re afraid of frightening them away. Introduce the subject with a gentle gesture, such as, “Hey, I’m enjoying our time together, and I want to talk about the future of our relationship.” When you use an introduction like that, Dr. Murphy says, you can quickly ease into a conversation about what is important to you and the other way around in a relationship instead of ranting about everything you dislike about yourself, thereby sabotaging the romantic mood.
No matter how the other person responds, it would help if you didn’t allow anyone to force you to abandon your morals or make you feel like you’re asking too excessively. No matter your particular issues, you must not accept or compromise on anything that undermines your beliefs and makes you think you cannot be your best fantastic self.
