Do You and Your Partner Relish Your Little Rivalries
The latest research on rivalry reveals how competition can enhance your relationships
Have you ever bet your partner on love?
Perhaps the soundtrack of the film you’re watching plays a recognizable tune. You’re sure it’s “X,” but your partner says that it’s “Y.” Time for an unintentional bet of one dollar on the matter. After many Googling and a few hours of debate, one of you is proven wrong. The loser is frustrated but takes it with a smile, and the discovery will result in laughter. Laughs, and maybe an offer to rematch the match shortly.
Rivalries may be innocent, as in this instance, or they may not be. When a real rivalry develops within the family, one party may think that they don’t want them to be successful.
Imagine that you receive an increase and promotion on the final day of the year; however, your spouse doesn’t. Both of you gain from this wonderful news. However, your spouse may be too afraid to offer the recognition you’d like to be able to. What can you do to stop this potential threat from becoming a major barrier to satisfaction?
Rivalries at Home Vs. Competition at Work
The latest research by the University of South Florida’s Joseph Regina and Tammy Allen (2023) might give some clues. In their research on workplace rivalry, 406 employed adults assessed those who said they had an adversary at work to those who reported no perception of conflict between families and work. The study was because if there is a conflict at work, they’re likely to bring that rivalry at home, which can affect relationships with their loved ones.
Extending the discussion to the rivalry that could be a part of your partner If you want to understand the rivalry that can exist with your partner, the USF study can help you understand why the conflict between two people becomes out of control. Based on what’s known as “resource theory,” Regina and Allen suggest that stress in a single area related to family or work drains your emotional ability to meet the demands of each set of roles.
While workplace rivals may remove your valuable resources (such as opportunities for compensation or to advance), your relationship rivals could also remove your resources. If, instead, bets that you and your partner are constantly battling over whose meals are the best, which have the quality of gourmet food, or who is the most beloved by the children in your home, strain can be equally exhausting.
It’s not just the conflict but the “transfer of resources” from one area to another, which can be difficult. To beat your competitors, you must be at the same level of excellence as they are in whatever skills are at stake. In the process, you constantly strive to be superior to your competition. The term “psychological detachment” explains that a rivalry could cause you to be unable to let go enough to take the conflict out of your head.
Testing Rivalry’s Impact
To better understand the potential negative impact of rivalry in the workplace on relationships at home, The USF authors conducted an online survey at three different time intervals. In Time 1, participants reported about their rivals by stating whether or not they had one and, if they did, how intense the rivalry was. Time 2 measured psychological distance or the ease with which they could separate themselves from their adversaries. In Time 3, participants completed the test of work-family conflict. This was all done during a six-week time frame.
To understand participants’ responses to the rivalry questionnaire, Ask yourself if your relationship is based on “subjective and/or social comparisons.” Answer whether you view this person as a “mild” or “fierce” competitor, and then what do you think of them as better than you, or in reverse? Do you constantly challenge your partner to beat you (fierce), or is your competition limited to occasional trivial challenges (mild)? Are they winning more often than you?
In this study, it was crucial to determine the participants’ general levels of competitiveness as a personality characteristic. You or your spouse could be competitive individuals regardless of which team you compete against, so you naturally bring this into your relationship.
Looking at the results, the nature of the competition was the most important factor in predicting the stress level reported by participants. The participants who competed against fierce rivals stressed; however, they also reported that they were difficult to separate themselves from the psychological work they did during their off time. It’s more difficult and stress-inducing to remove from your head someone you think is your biggest rival and who’s ahead in the fight.
Suppose you switch gears to the rivalry at the house rather than the workplace. In that case, ample evidence suggests that losing constantly to your partner can take away your emotional energy, particularly if your partner enjoys their wins. As opposed to work, you aren’t able to be able to completely remove yourself from the continuous noise of competition. This can cause self-doubt and anxiety.
Resolving Conflicts into Strengths
There’s a positive aspect to these results. A slight rivalry doesn’t appear to be detrimental to your relationship. However, is it possible it could be beneficial?
Consider the conversations you and your partner could engage in while discussing the facts examined. It’s possible that you hate losing, but could you get a bit of satisfaction from your spouse having so much knowledge?
What about your spouse? Are they pleased having a relationship with someone so intelligent? A healthy rivalry between people willing to demonstrate respect for sportsmanship could help build bonds rather than cause conflict.
