Communicating with strangers

Ivy’s cheerful, “it’s the last day of our holiday today!” chatter was answered by the waitress, who spoke in a thickly accented, warm English.

Silence, and then, the small voice says: “Pardon?”

Persistence makes the waitress speak more slowly, and her words are separated better. Where are you from?” “What country?” She’s a generous communicator. Having a deaf son, I recognize signs from a mile away.

As Ivy’s parents, we share thousands of moments just like these. They fill our days. These split-second decisions are so important to Ivy’s confidence, independence, and engagement with the rest of the world.

Ivy is having a lovely conversation. Do I interrupt it by going inside and signing a summary to keep the conversation going? Let the two of them, an innocent five-year-old girl and a nice stranger, sort it out. I continue to listen as I drink my coffee.

Where are you from?

“Yes!”

Ivy, who is profoundly deaf and uses a single cochlear implant, makes excellent use of it. She is fluent in both British Sign Language and has a passion for all languages. However, unfamiliar accents and speakers make it difficult to understand and listen. She’s not shy, and she doesn’t mind if the waitress gives her a biscuit for being charming.

Ivy, like many deaf kids, is an expert at hiding the fact that she doesn’t understand something. We call this the “nod and smile.” She has fooled Teachers of the Deaf and educational psychologists, as well as family members. The raised eyebrow of a parent usually gets through: “Grandma cares for you and wants you to understand her. Do you need to have her repeat it?”

The waitress may smile and acknowledge the hearing aids Ivy uses, but she doesn’t really know what else to say.

The rapid step of the trainers on the stone floor breaks the silence, and a curious face appears at the doorway. “Mum, she said what?”

I sign. Just a quick translation: no other comments. It is not mine, but hers.
“Oh! She says, “England!” and runs back in.

The interaction continues – empowering and joyful for a 5-year-old girl dancing in a bakery abroad. My judgment was correct this time, and I’m not getting a biscuit for it, but rather the pleasure of watching from the sidelines. I also enjoyed a moment of peace while drinking my coffee.

What we do to help our child communicate independently

• We encouraged people to speak directly to Ivy, even when she was small, instead of asking us what she wanted. We would, for instance, take our time at the counter and repeat the question of the server, then sign for her: “The server is asking what would you like?” We would then interpret to the server for her if she signed back to us. It took time, but I believe it helped her to feel that her ‘voice,’ her signs, and her thoughts were important. When faced with an adorable deaf 1-year-old, most people are kind and patient.
• Travel: We would let her sign for a lady and buy a day ticket for her.
• The phrases that we have taught her to self-advocate are “please sign again” and “again please?” when she could only use two-word sentences. We are now working on making it sound like “I am deaf, so you MUST SIGN!”!”
• Our mantras are similar – “[Family Friend] is interested in what you think and wants you understand so it’s a great idea to ask her to repeat the question she asked!” or “We want to include you so we love you for reminding us that you should slow down!”
• Since she was two and a quarter years old, Ivy had a BSL translator booked for her eye department appointments, surgery appointments, and other appointments when a medical professional needed to ask her something. She is confident, engaged, and has a lot of agency in the hospital because she knows how to interact with interpreters. In this situation, we are also free to be her parents. This has a huge impact on her behavior.