Adulting 101: As an eldest child, I grew up prioritising others’ needs. Now I am learning to put myself first
Singapore -As the oldest among four brothers, I was familiar with domestic duties like doing chores at home, caring for my younger siblings, and taking care of administrative tasks. I could take on more responsibility as I got older, like paying all household expenses.
Although I was able to accept these duties as the oldest daughter, the truth is that it’s incredibly exhausting to have many responsibilities. I was also lonely and anxious when I had to tackle the complexities alone in my early years.
When I came across an article by Associate Professor Yang Hu from the Department of Sociology at Lancaster University on the “eldest daughter syndrome,” I felt like the article described my experience. Am experiencing. The report was released on the not-for-profit news site The Conversation.
At the same time, I found some TikTok videos featuring women talking about their experiences with what they called “eldest daughter syndrome.”
In these videos, women who are the most senior daughter in the family complain about the burden of having to shoulder emotional, domestic, and even economic obligations.
But, I was a bit doubtful that it was confirmed that the “eldest daughter syndrome” exists. If it is, are only the oldest daughters experience it? What about the sons of the oldest or the younger siblings? What are the best ways to address the issue?
THE CORRECT TERM TO USE IS PARENTIFICATION
A CNA938 interview was conducted on the 13th of April. In the CNA938 interview, Prof Hu stated”, “eldest daughter syndrome” refers to the mental, domestic, and emotional burdens the oldest daughters must shoulder at an early age.
This is more common in those with higher gender disparity. It is described as being referred to as “eldest sibling syndrome” because of the traditional belief that girls and women can take on more family and caring duties.
However, a senior consultant from Raven Counselling and Consultancy, Dr Praveen Nair, has stated that the terminology is not researched well and, therefore, people need to be cautious about using these terms.
“The word “syndrome” refers to the existence of a disorder. In our field (psychology) every disorder must be described in a statistical and diagnostic manual for mental disorders. It is important to be cautious when using terms that are not listed when they aren’t part within the guideline,” he said.
“We are also not looking to connect a mental illness with women. This could be risky, since some people may interpret the word to suggest that women are in some way more prone to mental health issues.”
Counsellor Clarice Ng, a psychologist from the consultancy Mind What Matters, also said that the experiences of all daughters should not be compared to one another.
“There are many other factors that can also contribute to an individual’s development, such as their relationship between family members and the age difference between siblings,” Ms Ng said. Ms. Ng.
However, Dr. Praveen acknowledged that the problems associated with “eldest daughter syndrome” are real, for example, parents relying too heavily on the first child to look after children younger than them.
The correct term to describe the problems associated with “eldest daughters syndrome,” or “eldest daughter syndrome,” is “parentification,” he added.
Parentification occurs when children are forced to assume the responsibilities, which typically fall to the parents without adequately explaining the reason or providing adequate assistance.
Dr. Praveen stated that this could occur to every child, regardless of gender or birth position.
It can also be different for girls and boys due to the cultural perceptions of gender roles.
For example, parentalization in girls may manifest as the expectation of assuming household chores starting at an early age. In contrast, sons are expected to become competent in household chores, which are considered “masculine,” or to ensure the family’s financial security.
He added that parenting can also be a factor in families with lower socioeconomic status or in which children don’t receive enough support from their parents.
I was relieved by experts’ explanations of the word, having been taught not to make assumptions about my experiences. However, I did identify with women who recognized the concept.
I was relieved that this does not have to be standard for all daughters of the eldest generation. It gave me peace since I learned that various factors could be addressed or mitigated.
In agreement, associate instructor Zheng Mu from the Department of Sociology and Anthropology of the National University said that families with low incomes tend to depend on the eldest child to provide domestic or financial assistance due to economic constraints.
HOW PARENTIFICATION IMPACTS CHILDREN
According to Prof. Mu Professor Mu, parentification can result in adverse consequences for children because they are subjected to more burdens mentally and physically.
“This may result in them having to compromise their dreams, goals and time, which may affect their self-actualisation,” the author said.
Ms Ng said that children in a household responsibility position at an early age could be missing out on age-appropriate and crucial developmental milestones.
For instance, they might decide to prioritize their work at home while iwhilesocialising with their friends, which is essential for establishing a sense of identity as a person and a social one.
Another result of parentalization is that children develop being taught that their wants aren’t crucial to the needs of others, she explained.
“At a young age, they might have had to cope with competing personal and family interests, such as wanting to go out with friends versus taking care of their siblings at home,” said Ms Ng.
“It is possible that they might learn to cope by pushing their own needs aside in order to bring harmony and happiness to the family.”
Although it’s great to be happy and want to be a part of the home, a child is raised, and being taught that needs aren’t critical could carry the same mindset to their future relationships, she said.
WHAT CAN BE DONE?
For children who’ve experienced parentalization by their parents, DDr.Praveen explained that there are various steps they can use to rthey can use multiple stages, seeking out therapy.
“This is especially if one is constantly reliving and revisiting events with an eye towards feeling angry and/or guilty, and especially vital if there is growing hostility towards caregivers,” he added.
They can also take care of themselves in taking care of emotional and physical needs, including being connected to others, like seeking out support and strength through social networks, especially from people who have experienced similar experiences.
“It is important for children who have been in the parental system from an early age to learn to define boundaries. This is often in daily situations, like at the workplace or with friends,” he said.
She agreed, and Ms. Ng stated family members need to be able to communicate and encourage mutual understanding.
“Children with lots of responsibility should realize they are vital and legitimate, and they must communicate this to their parents if they feel appropriate.
“For relatives, simply being present and acknowledging the challenges of the child could be an extremely healing experience for the relationship. There’s no easy solution to the problem of distributing the tasks, but communication can be a great place to start,” said Ms Ng.
Talking to experts has made me aware of how I can care for myself and my needs before extending my services to anyone else, even if they’re my relatives.
It is the first thing to do: let others know my desires or reach out to get help when I need it, even though it’s not always simple or something I’m used to doing.
In the end, Dr. Praveen advised that learning about the process of parentification and its possible negative long-term consequences is a crucial first step toward understanding and healing from these events.
He added that it is crucial to remember that kids who are parentified could also have different outcomes.
“Parentification is actually positive side effects. Certain people who are assigned such responsibility actually grow stronger and dependable,” he added.
“But this outcome is also dependent on how parents assign tasks and responsibilities to the child, whether they do it lovingly, and properly explain to the child while being supportive and appreciative of them.”
