Do You Love Your Mom

You can’t go further back with anyone else than your mother if you’re still lucky enough to have her. The relationship between a mother’s adult child and herself can be frantic and fraught. It can also be loaded and exasperating. In all family relationships, there is a lot that goes on without being said or in code. Outsiders can only feel the ripples while you know the tsunami. Whatever the case, there are two truths. This is a relationship that will always matter. Second, it’s always possible to improve. Here’s how.
Accept the fact that you cannot change her. Philippa Perry is a psychotherapist and the author of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. If you alter, sometimes the other person changes as well. You may find that your relationship changes if you choose to be accepting and kind to your mother. It’s not a guarantee, but there’s always a chance.”
Ask her about the childhood she had. You know those times she was being silly, uptight, controlling, or seemed to pass judgment? It’s almost certain that they relate to an event in her life. Perry says that Grayson, Perry’s artist husband, once gave her a pair of orange plastic clogs, and she was told by her mother, “You can’t wear them out.” “I asked her: Do you remember when women wore hats, and their outfits were cinched at the waist, and wearing clogs was a shame? She said, ‘Yes, exactly!’ It helped me see that, often, a mother’s nagging comes from a place that is more concerned and loving than one that wants to control.
You are the one who is most annoyed by her. You find it annoying that she is stingy or impatient. You know that deep down, you’re the same way. “Be more compassionate, not only to your mother but to yourself as well.”
Don’t be prejudiced, but do respect generational differences. Professor Kevin Browne of Nottingham University says that our parents lived in an era with many different constructs. He says that the media often reflected behavior that would not be tolerated in today’s society. It is, therefore, not surprising if your mother is not as politically correct. It’s important to keep the conversation going. If you can see her point of view, she may be able to see yours as well.
Perry says to ask her about her current life. “Don’t assume she is only interested in watching TV and planting bulbs,” he says. Listen to her, even if you think she’s not interested. She could have some interesting things to say.
Make time for each other. A friend says, “My daughter is dating a new man, and we haven’t seen each other in ages.” “She called me the other day and said that we needed some time to hunker down, just us two.” We watched a movie, had takeout, and enjoyed a quiet night. It reignites the relationship.
Accept that she is aging, and accept your aging. Samuel says, “Don’t let fear of aging stop you from understanding how your mother feels when she faces the challenges of living a few years ahead of you.”
Talk and walk. Samuel says that walking and talking is the best way to chat. You can also be silent or upset, as you won’t be looking at each other. After the walk, treat your mother to tea and cake or a pub meal.
Browne says that people put off the relationship because they want to improve it. Then, suddenly, she is dead. Coping with grief can be much more difficult if you are filled with guilt and regret.
Do not complain to her about your brothers and sisters. A friend says, “My sister used to argue with me and we would then each pick up the phone and call our mothers.” It’s not fair. You’re no longer in the cradle. Browne says, “You are putting her into an impossible situation.” It creates conflict, and conflict causes anxiety. And it’s unfair to make your mom feel anxious.
Don’t blame your mother. Judith Wenban Smith, forensic psychologist, says that she spent many years blaming her mother for everything. It was only later that I realized she had been as much of a victim as I thought I’d been of hers.
Select activities that she will enjoy and not those you choose. Wenban Smith says to consider actions that she may not be able to do on her own. “My mother loved National Trust properties and I would make sure to get her there.” It can be an amazing treat for your mum in a beautiful setting and shows how much she is valued.
It would be best if you forgave her. Your mother’s mistake has had a huge impact on your life. We all make mistakes. Your mother was trying to do the best she could for you unless there were serious problems. Samuel says that finding forgiveness in your heart will change your life and your relationship with your mother.
Do not put her up on a pedestal. Rakhi Chand is a psychotherapist and counselor. Then I realized she was just like me with her flaws, failings, and struggles. It was difficult to accept the loss, but I could now deal with my mother’s reality, not the fantasy.
Press pause. Chand says that we often react with a knee-jerk reaction. Step away from your mother when she says something annoying. You should go somewhere to reflect on why you feel the way you do.
Aspire to an authentic relationship. It’s tough, but you have to start by figuring out what is important to you. What helps you figure that out is…
Chand says that you should call her only when it is convenient for you, not out of obligation. Chand says, “I talked through it with her and now I only call her when I feel like talking. We’re out of the rut.”
Speak to someone about your mother – either a friend or a therapist. Browne says, “Don’t keep your feelings about her inside – tell someone you trust.” This will help you to understand what you are feeling and why.
Be thankful for the little things. She took care of your children when you were ill; she bought your new cooker even though your bank account was empty. Wenban Smith says that you are often not grateful at the time because you have so many other things to do. It’s important to acknowledge the difference that was made and thank her later.
The big ones. “She made sacrifices to bring you into this world. Samuel says, “She’s had to carry her crosses, and you won’t fully understand what they were.” “No mother is perfect, but yours will be the only one that you have. And life is better when you love her.”