Need to Defuse Family Squabbles? Learn From an F.B.I. Crisis Negotiator.

For some of us, getting together around the table for Christmas is a custom, opening gifts and settling into a post-dinner nap.

There are numerous reasons why gatherings with family members could turn into boiling spots of tension, According to Jodie Eisner, a psychologist from New York City clinical psychologist. Families may have drastically different beliefs and values. Expectations are excessive. Limits are not respected. Sometimes, we slip back into old roles and begin acting like a sour teenager while with our parents.

“I have had so many patients who have asked me, ‘Why do I get like that when I go home?'” Dr. Eisner said. “Well, we first learn about how relationships work, and how to connect with others, through our family.” She said that we create a sense of identity around our position within the family unit as a peacekeeper or the funny one. Combine all those elements. Add a generous amount of alcohol, and let it simmer.

To prevent arguments from occurring, I’ve employed the same strategy for a long time to avoid conflicts: the seven skills of active listening, which is the method that the Federal Bureau of Investigation uses to prepare their crisis negotiators. They were created by the late Gary Noesner, the former head of the F.B.I.’s Crisis Negotiation Unit, who quit in 2003. I first heard about these abilities when I interviewed Noesner about six years ago for an article I was writing about relationships. Since then, I have employed these skills all the time. In the present, everyone in my family is aware the moment I’m putting one of the skills I’ve learned on them (“I am sure you’re paraphrasing, OK?” my sister recently stated as we sorted out the Christmas travel plans.) It does not matter if they are aware that they know. These methods are effective.

Although they were designed to help calm conflict situations like hijackings of airplanes, kidnappings, and hostage standoffs, they are equally effective “for Uncle Charlie when he starts railing about politics at the holiday dinner table,” Noesner said to me recently.

He also stressed that these abilities are founded on well-known psychological techniques, and the idea” of active listening” was initially invented in the work of Carl R. Rogers, one of the pioneers of humanistic psychology.

“We all think we’re good listeners,” said Noesner, who is equally levelheaded as you’d want an expert in crisis negotiations to be. “But active listening is acknowledging other people’s arguments and their feelings. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree or don’t agree with them. It simply says, “I am listening to that you.'”

It could also be helpful in an “evolving situation,” such as a friend observing that you’re not relaxed about your children’s screens or even your brother expressing his opinions about masks.

Noesner playfully guided me through the seven skills.

1. Make sure to provide only minimal encouragement

It’s about using simple phrases such as “yes,” “OK,” and “I see” to convey that you’re paying attention even when someone else or an “agitated individual” is talking. As Noesner said, it’s challenging to remain annoyed with someone who keeps smiling and saying, “Yep. Yep. Yep.

2. Paraphrase

This practice has helped me ease tensions in my relationships more than anything else. Repeat precisely what you believe someone else is saying in the words of your choice. “This is a potent tool not just to tell somebody ‘I understand you,’ but to demonstrate it,” said Noesner.

The great thing about the ability to paraphrase is that you cannot pretend to be able to do it. You must focus on the speaker’s message to develop and communicate your conclusion.

3. Try emotion labeling

Try to determine what the person you’re speaking to (or fighting against) is feeling. Start with a statement such as “You seem as if” or “You sound as though.” For instance: “You seem as if you are upset that I asked if you’re still single.” If you’re correct, the other party will accept it; if they aren’t on the right track,  I’ll correct you. In either case, you’re instantly in the same boat and working towards the same goal: to clarify the individual’s thoughts.

4. Start mirroring

This is the most simple of all. If someone is unhappy, you should wait until they’re finished venting, then repeat the final word they said in the message. For instance, if they conclude the letter with ” and I’m annoyed,” for example, then repeat this with ” and you’re annoyed.” Using the person’s words, such as Noesner, can create an atmosphere of comfort, which makes people feel more secure and can create a bond.

5. Ask open-ended questions.

A question that results in an answer of “yes” or “no” does not move you one step closer towards a resolution (Are you angry at the fact that Grandpa made a joke over your dress? Yes.) Open-ended questions encourage conversation and help people relax and feel more relaxed, according to Noesner. “Think of how much more welcoming it can be for someone hearing, “I did not know what you were saying. Can you assist me in understanding it better, or perhaps ‘I’d want to know what you are referring to? What was I doing wrong? Do you have any more details about it?” He added that the open-ended nature of questions also lets the person asking it take a step back and separate their jumbled thoughts and feelings.

6. Make use of “I” messages

This method of communication is a classic through statements that start by using “I” rather than “you,” which creates trust through “personalizing the negotiator,” said Noesner.

Beginning with “you” can make a person angry or defensive. “So instead of saying, ‘You need to stop yelling at me,’ you’d say, ‘ I feel frustrated when you are yelling at me because I am trying to fully understand what you’re saying,'” He explained. “You’re kind of putting it on your own shoulders, but still letting the person know what problems his behavior is causing.”

7. Create effective Pauses that are effective

If people “engage in highly charged emotional outbursts,” it may be beneficial to remain silent for a second or two, as suggested by Noesner. If people cannot receive an answer, they typically slow down to ensure that the negotiators remain paying attention. “Eventually, even the most overwrought people will find it difficult to sustain a one-sided argument and will return to meaningful dialogue,” said the expert. Stated.

Noesner advised that the F.B.I.’s seven strategies don’t guarantee the promise of success. “But if you are going to be successful in getting Uncle Charlie to behave himself, it’s probably going to be through that way rather than attacking, belittling, marginalizing, or ignoring him,” he explained. In his 30 years with the F.B.I., one aspect of human nature was constant, Noesner said. “People just want to be acknowledged.”

In circumstances that could end their lives, such as an attack, he stated that the F.B.I. would attempt to determine what they had done wrong. “We’d inquire, ‘What did we say that prompted you to reveal yourself?’ And the response was always the same: “I’m not sure what you stated. However, I enjoyed the way you spoke.'”

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