Yearning to Be a Father, but Still Waiting

Since his twenties, Curtis Stephenson has dreamed of becoming a father. As the eldest of three children and watching his siblings take care of his nephews and nieces, he thought, “Oh my God, I want that,” said Mr. Stephenson, the manager of the wine bar in Ottawa.

At 43, he and his wife, 36, have been trying to get pregnant with the baby for over a year. They both have fertility problems, and I.V.F. has been ineffective to date. Being aware that fatherhood will never come to Stephenson “is an emotional thing you feel deep down,” Stephenson said. Stephenson said.

Birth rates have dropped by 20 percent across the United States in the past 15 years, and childlessness is more prevalent for men than women. Surveys frequently show that most males are keen to become parents one day, but more and more, they’re not achieving that dream.

Experts believe there are various economic, physical, social, and societal reasons why men who want to have children cannot do so. However, there isn’t much research regarding the psychological consequences on men who cannot become fathers. A handful of studies suggest that the battle to bear children could be as significant for men as it is for women.

The New York Times spoke to five men about the experience of wanting children but don’t yet have children.

The age factor

In the 22 years of Tommy Bentz’s marriage and divorce, he looked forward to having children, but his ex-wife was not. When they divorced in 2021, at the time, the former was 51. He concluded that he’d likely never have children.

“People say, ‘Oh, you can still do X or Y or Z,’ but it’s like, when I’m 70-something and the child graduates from high school, is that fair?” asked Bentz. Bentz, now 54, is a musician from Northern Wisconsin.

Robert DeNiro, 79, recently was in the news due to his fathering skills, as did Al Pacino, 82, who expects a new child. However, it is not the case that Mr. Bentz said he would be afflicted with “a feeling of creepiness” when he partnered with a woman who was old enough to be pregnant.

Additionally, although the effect of age on couples’ fertility has been traditionally focussed on the female, “there has been a lot of data gathered over the last 10 years that indicates that, as men age, their fertility potential does decline over time,” said Daniel H. Williams, Urologist with a specialization with male infertility in the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health.

Male fertility is known to begin to decline at the age of 35 because the body produces less and less viable male sperm. As more and more males are staying longer for children to be born, many aren’t aware that the decline is beginning or the extent to which it has accelerated. In the 2021 study, for instance, the study found that one in four men thought that male fertility would begin to decline at 50 instead of in the 30s. The moment Mr. Stephenson learned about his problems with fertility, the news came as a surprise.

“You basically think, ‘I can have kids forever,'” the man said.

Relying upon a flawed system

Jesse Epstein and his husband, Jesse Epstein, both 39, figured out they were ready to have children about four years ago. In the early 2021s, they began the process of adopting, and a few years later, they found themselves matched with a possible birth mother who claimed she was pregnant for eight months. However, the woman was found to be lying and sent fake pictures to them, Mr. Epstein said. A few weeks later, they matched with a different woman, but she decided to leave her child to a relative to take care of.

In addition to the substantial financial burden, “it has been emotionally challenging,” said Mr. Epstein, who works in the marketing consulting field in Denver. When the first adoption failed to go in the middle, Mr. Epstein felt deceived and devalued. “I am talking about telling my parents they’d be to become grandparents in one month. I’ll never forget this,” he said. The couple is currently looking into surrogacy.

Certain days can be a grim reminder of the length of their dreams. Celebrations such as Father’s Day or Mr. Epstein’s recent birthday give Mr. Epstein “a pang,” he stated, “where it’s like, ‘a year ago, I thought we’d have a kid by this day.'”

Male infertility is a symptom of male isolation.

In the past year, Matthew Koman and his wife have had a string of miscarriages and failed attempts of I.V.F. While their wife finds peace and support in online communities, Matth, ew. Koman, 34, an athletic performance coach and professional athlete from Los Angeles, said his experiences have felt lonely.

“I’ve had a really hard time finding male perspectives,” he stated. “There are not a lot of men who are talking about this.”

One of the most prominent Infertility-related groups is on Facebook, Trying to Conceive, Pregnancy & Infertility Support, which has over 41,000 members. However, it’s exclusively for females. In contrast, the most popular men-only groups, like the Men’s Fertility Helpline, have about 10% of the members.

It’s unknown why men are less likely to participate in support groups, but a British investigation found that the traditional notions of masculinity could be stumbling barriers. Stephenson Mr. Stephenson, who described his infertility diagnosis as “a real hit to your ego,” declared, “There’s this barrier, where we feel like we’re not manly if we share our feelings.” His girlfriend is part of the new generation of infertility influencers who post about their experiences with more than 22,000 Instagram followers.