My Father Was Abusive. Should I Attend His Memorial Service?
The adult I am is the daughter of an intolerant, explosive father who was content with his brutal treatment of me throughout my adolescence and childhood. I was terrified of the constant shouting and beatings. As time passed, he regressed to a simple dislike of me. While I saw him abuse my siblings, my father centered his anger towards me as his infant son.
The death occurred in the last few months. In his previous years, I came out of my estrangement to assist my siblings in understanding the complexities of his medical issues. In his final days, the doctor admitted his inhumane behavior towards me in front of my sister and a sibling. After years of denial and justifying his abuse, the man left me his final recorded messages in a voicemail. It read, “I’ll never get over my struggle to apologize for my actions .”
My father was financially generous in assisting us with our education, homes, and families. My siblings tended to him until his death and are planning an event to honor him “for the children.” The day of the memorial is nearing, and my sister said she was worried that I could get “triggered” and upset the children. My father’s octogenarian, prim sister warned me to stay away from the memorial and urged me to stay away, presumably more out of fear of my presence than concern for my health. The family members in question are scared of the truth about my experience, and it could threaten their façade and their disbelief of his cruelty and all to protect the elitism of the “good family .”
I am thankful for the support and love I receive from my children and wife, and I would like to witness the memorial. Participating in the memorial ceremony to learn about the lore and mythology of the event will assist me in understanding the family. How can I remain with my spouse and children in my family’s loving funeral for my abusive father? What can an abuser do to be remembered or honored? The silence surrounding child abuse is at a standstill. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your primary concern about the wedding ceremony may be that your family members haven’t acknowledged the truth of what happened to you. It’s impossible to repair your relationship with the family members of your father if they see your anger instead of your resentment as the cause. This must be addressed to maintain a decent relationship with them.
I’m not sure you’ll get this right in the ceremony. As you describe, speaking out about abuse could negatively reflect your father and you. I’d show up the same, provided you can bear it. You’ll likely, it is said, learn exciting facts about the family and their views and that of your spouse and children. Also, you might think about writing an account of the incident to yourself, including that your father admitted to the conclusion that you wronged him, and then distributing it to your family members. The details you write about will likely be shocking to a few of them. Others might realize what transpired was more grave than they would admit. Some might even adopt an unsavory past that they had brushed aside and expressed condolences. If people react to you, you’ve found your method of commemorating an alarming and tangled truth.
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