My Partner and I Sleep in Separate Twin Beds and It Saved Our Sex Life
When I first told an entire table of women that my wife and I sleep in separate beds, a woman immediately asked me the same question that everybody asks regarding our situation, regardless of whether they ask it loudly: “But how do you have sex?”
The conversation was punctuated by the muted mix of “ohs” and a few “that sounds amazing” remarks that seemed to convey a silence. Our SO and I would never. But I’m happy to say that my spouse and I have more time to be busy often than we did in previous time (years !!!) spent trying to live as a single-bed couple. It’s time to face my truth, or rather, lay on my back with my duvet slung on my back, unaffected by the anger of the kicking leg slung over my head. Let me explain the reasons why it’s a win-win.
My partner and I are not compatible when we sleep. (Sleep. I’m talking about sleep.)
My spouse of 11 years and I have a great relationship in the daytime. But we’re dissimilar when it comes to something we spend approximately 30 percent of our time doing. (I’m talking about sleep and not sexual activity, though it’s nice if it’s the case that you are spending three-quarters of your time on the desire to have sexual pleasure. I’d love to meet you in person and hand you the Most Fun Person medal.) I’m afflicted with a life-long sleepiness that fluctuates. I’m a very sleeper with a light bed. A kitten’s cries could wake me at the first sound, even with my sleep mask and earplugs. In the case of the sound of my partner…have you ever seen videos of dogs dreaming who sputter and shake their legs as if they’re running? This is precisely what his periodic motion disorder of the limbs (PLMD) (a condition common among people suffering from Restless Leg Syndrome) is like and can be seen for 90 seconds.
About one and a half minutes after being violently shaken awake, I heard a boom just as I was about to be sucked back into a delicious stupor. His two kicks would jolt the mattress side-to-side. And, while he stayed asleep, I was ten-cups-of-coffee-level alert again. At times, his arms would engage in the action during an intense dream, as the night I was woken by flashes of karate chops that landed at my right. “There was a monster,” said he, facing the glare of my eyes. “I was defending you!” It was funny, as I felt like I was being attacked.
The pressure of culture to live side-by-side has made us feel further from each other than we have ever felt.
We loved sharing beds at a particular moment in our relationship. It was when we finally got with each other after 15 years of long-distance dating. Perhaps it was because our brains were bathed in oxytocin from being apart for several years. However, when we didn’t have reunion sexual sex, we snuggled together and slept blissfully on the twin air mattress on the floor of our studio apartment, not even. From the beginning of our romance, most nights, I fell from the bed onto the sofa around 4 am because of sleep quakes. We argued that we needed one of the mattresses that could withstand an assault without breaking a massive bottle of Merlot, and all would be okay. In addition, happy couples are in the same bed, don’t they?
Maybe not. The idea that sharing a bed can spell significant problems for your partner has been out of fashion for more than 200 years. As was noted in Hilary Hinds’s book of 2019, An Cultural History of Twin Beds (which concentrates on British views on the subject across the centuries), Separate mattresses were popular from the 1850s and 1950s. In the 1960s, the attitudes changed again. “The twin bed set was an invention of the Devil, jealous of married bliss,” controversial British author Marie Stopes wrote her essay in the year 1956. While it’s a theatrical way of putting it, bed sets aren’t viewed as an excellent way, to contribute to a healthy relationship. (Though the sleeping practices of couples are not well-studied, surveys that were conducted in 2012 and 2011 revealed that nearly 1 in 10 teams slept without their partner in an individual bed or a bedroom.)
Social expectations led towards the bed shop, and we tried every option using an array of embarrassing fish flops. At the same time, a fierce salesperson claimed things like “No motion transfer!” and “This one’s very popular with active-sleeper couples.” However, what was deemed to be safe on the showroom floor was a mess in the home. Because of my “Princess and Pea”-like sensitiveness and his ability to sleep anyplace, I bought the bed. In contrast, he slept on the couch. Every night.
The stopgap plan became the basis of a routine that lasted almost the entire span of four years when I would go to bed and take a book to read Thomas Pynchon novels (stare at my smartphone until I laid myself to sleep with the help of a CBD chewy). My companion was slogging into YouTube tunnels until his eyes shut within the family room. We lived apart, starting at 9 pm A few days later I realized that the morning sex had disappeared from our lives, as did other essential forms of intimacy like cuddling and random moments of conversation about the world. Over time, the fact that we were strangers in the dark affected our urges to have sexual relations outside after bedtime. This was an incredibly lonely night.
A separate bed is among the most beneficial choices we’ve made for our relationship. And it’s way hotter than it sounds.
Our final ” sleep divorce” was not an actual divorce, as we still deeply loved one another. However, sleeping in separate rooms at first led to a hairline break in our sexual life, which became more severe with time. We realized that waking and sleeping close to one another is essential for us to get sexually active regularly. We put aside money, looked around, and decided on the possibility of twin beds placed just one inch away.
The distinction that twin beds brought to our relationship became apparent throughout the night. We’re so happy to be within reach of one another, and I’ve missed waking up with the other more than I realized. Blaming someone for what they do during their sleep isn’t more right than blaming the person who hurts you in the night, even if it’s somewhat more sensible. While I’m still required to deal with the peaks and valleys of insomnia, my partner has been freed from the guilt that comes from contributing to the issue. Our relationship has a lighter feel because of it, and that feeling carries into our sexual life.
I’m sure that you’re seeking me to explain how sexual intimacy is done with two twin beds, and here’s the answer It’s identical? Indeed, navigating the gap isn’t always stylish; however, we just put the top sheet between the beds if we genuinely desire a seamless queen-sized mattress experience. And, to be honest of truthfulness, we’re certainly not doing any complex perpendicular sex postures which require a vast surface area.
However, our sleeping swivel has provided new and innovative angles and positioning options. My wife convinced me to buy beds that can be converted, allowing us to raise the lower and upper parts of our bodies independently by pressing our remotes. I was initially hesitant, as I didn’t think we needed it, and it sounded a bit too clinical for me, much like an in-hospital bed. In the end, there are plenty of reasons to appreciate an adjustable bed frame with no medical association at all, or pressing the button to raise your legs during a crucial sexual moment could alter the course of your life.
It’s evident that our twin bed arrangement won’t fit every body type or for those who need to play like a starfish to sleep or engage in sexual relations, and purchasing two beds is undoubtedly expensive too (again, we’ve saved up for a while). However, if you’ve been imagining separate beds, and someone has suggested it’s an odd choice, I will tell you that you should do it. Your sexual life will be grateful to you for it, and you’ll be rested enough to enjoy the fun.
