How to Save Your Relationship From the Social Media Comparison Trap

When you imagine the “dream” couple, there’s an opportunity that your relationship (if you’re currently in one) isn’t something that pops into your head. Perhaps you’re awestruck at one of that cute couples with the perfect home, perfect children, and perfect life (ahem, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds)–or a uberwealthy social media influencer who doesn’t hesitate to share luxurious as well as intimate trips with their partner. The high school sweethearts you know from your town could be your ideal #relationship-goals.

Many people who have a partner (yes, even people with solid and healthy connections) dream, maybe just a bit more than they ought to think about how things could be fixed or improved within their relationships, Andrea Battiola, EdS, LPC, counselor, and sex therapist in Peak Couples and Sex Therapy in Washington, DC, tells the magazine SELF. “We don’t even know whether what others portray online is authentic or not, but it’s hard to resist questioning yourself and thinking, Oh, what’s wrong with us since we don’t have that?” Battiola claims. Perhaps if your friend were more prosperous or more beautiful or even sent you flirty messages or wrote a post about you on their Instagram feed, You wouldn’t feel that you’re missing out, wouldn’t you?

Humans’ (and research-backed) tendency to socially compare and contrast can make us believe that people with different characteristics are more sexually attractive and go out on better dates or endure more peace, but wishing for a “perfect” relationship can end with a sabotage of the one in your face, Battiola adds. Yes, you and your partner might not always be the perfect partner; however, fighting or bickering and even becoming sick of each at times isn’t only regular but also natural, Battiola says.

If you often notice couples envy brewing up while surfing social media, take this advice to prevent yourself from getting caught in that tempting comparison trap.

Consider first the source of your insecurity about your relationship. stemming from.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s a cliche. We all know it, but often, your discontent with your relationship may not be about the relationship in any way. It could be more about your insecurities and fears, Sara Nasserzadeh, a Ph.D. social psychologist from Los Angeles, tells SELF.

For instance, Is the issue that you need to post more cute photos? It may be due to the desire to impress your fans. Would you like to get with your friends in a snap, or do you feel you must be like your friends who live together?

“When we’re not happy with ourselves or satisfied with where we are in life, we tend to project that into our partnerships, so an important first step is to evaluate whether the relationship is really what’s making you feel empty,” Dr. Nasserzadeh says. If you think something is missing, you can address it with a specific question (more to come on this). If you determine that the issue is something that you have a problem with, you can concentrate on building confidence in yourself–on yourself or working with the help of a counselor–and accepting the person and place you are in your life. She says this can make you less likely to seek approval or validation from others.

Be aware that you aren’t aware of what goes on behind closed doors.

The first thing to remember is that every relationship could be better. Don’t let the money or the appearance of symmetry deceive you: None of the most beautiful and wealthy couples you look at through social media platforms are in a perpetual state of happiness. Consider this: What do you think about posting photos of your fights or pictures of your spouse’s messy kitchen habits on Instagram? You’re likely sharing cute portraits or candids from your summer getaway. The happy moments.

“You never truly know the ins and outs of another relationship if you’re not in it,” Dr. Nasserzedah says. This is true for your closest friends as well: Even if you’ve had the pleasure of hanging out with your friend and their spouse numerous times, You probably need help understanding the full extent of their issues. This is why it’s not good for you or your life to base your self-worth on the assumption of others, as Dr. Nasserzadeh says.

The next time you find yourself swooning over another’s romance, you should be more attentive by challenging your thoughts, Battiola suggests. One example: Your coworker’s sweet Bora Bora babymoon photos make you think their relationship must also be a dream. Instead of accepting that notion as factual, it is better to look at your reality and frame it in terms of, “Okay, I’m not being able to see all of it. Traveling can be quite stressful and exhausting. They’re not revealing the details that is bound to go wrong.”

You may envy the possibility that your friend and new partner share similar interests. If so, remember they might like watching their favorite sports or cooking extravagant meals together. However, they will likely enjoy many things independently as well. It’s not the intention to discredit others. However, it’s to remember that no matter how glistening they appear on their anniversary compilations, they’re as flawed and imperfect as all of us.

Take the time to appreciate the things you already already.

Instead of trying to fulfill fantasies (that might not be fulfilling your needs in real life, by the way), take a moment to think about why you’re in love with your partner at all in the first place and what you’re thankful for in your relationship. A person who can cook, tidy up, shop together, and even buy your designer clothes, for instance, may sound like a perfect idea, but are they essential to a happy, healthy, and harmonious relationship? Even if they need to improve in a few areas isn’t a reason to think they’re not a good relationship for you as a whole.

“When you get too caught up in comparing your relationship to others, you’re likely to focus on what you don’t have, so it’s especially important to be thoughtful about appreciating what you do,” Battiola states. In addition to the more obvious ways to express gratitude (like making your list of the things you appreciate about your partner), Reminding yourself of their best qualities is as easy as expressing appreciation or spending time with them. For instance, you could tell them, “I love that you made the time to get dinner tonight at our favorite restaurant,” or “Nobody else knows me as well as you or listens to my rants without judging me.”

Another way to get used to appreciating the things you have in your life is to do what Battiola refers to as”an “awe walk,” which is exactly what it’s called: “Go outside with your partner, whether it’s a new place or a familiar spot, and notice your surroundings together and wonder about the things around you,” she suggests. The practice, she says, will not only force you off of your head (and get away from your social media feeds) however, it will aid in establishing meaningful connections with your loved ones and develop an attitude of gratitude regarding your relationships and the things you share.

Find out what is important to you, then segregate your attention from superficial things.

Comparisons with other people on their own are a good thing. It’s an inherent human inclination and may help us be more aware of ourselves. Through drawing parallels to others, you could discover that you’ve outgrown the one you’re in, perhaps, or the priorities you have set are different. However, “comparison is the thief of joy” is a famous saying to explain why: If you begin to dwell on the what-ifs, or the I-wishes, or the reasons-not-to-be-trues, you’re creating a recipe for disappointment (where there may be none at all), Jenni Skyler Ph.D., LMFT, sex psychotherapist as well as director of the Intimacy Institute located in Boulder, Colorado, tells the magazine SELF.

“Wanting is natural, and we experience this in wanting what we can’t have and wanting things other people have that might be superfluous or superficial,” Dr. Skyler says. “For example, you might suddenly desire a nicer car just because your married neighbors upgraded theirs.” Perhaps you’re trying to gauge your relationship to pop culture’s notions of what love should look like.

Your current relationship might be lacking in a few areas, but is it essential that your spouse share the same passion for fashion that you might think, or put on the PDA as if they’re a character from the characters from your favorite romantic comedy? Knowing what’s most essential to you could stop you from getting caught up in the small things that, according to Dr. Skyler, says.

Do not follow any accounts that make you feel inferior.

It’s hard to stay away from friends you have in common because you admire their relationships. However, according to Dr. Skyler, when it comes to Instagram, influential people (a.k.a. people who are entirely strangers on the internet) or even acquaintances you’ve never met, do not be afraid to cut off your connection. It doesn’t mean you need to remove or stop following them completely (but should you be someone struggling with online social network comparison and comparison, you should try the idea). What she’s referring to is becoming more conscious of how certain types of content make you feel and then modifying your behavior accordingly.

If you know that a particular couple from your past has caused anxiety, perhaps you shouldn’t put yourself in a position of guilt by glancing at their glamorous engagement photos just when you and the spouse were in a tense fight. If a particular TikTok couple has you questioning your bond, remove them from your account, or at the very least, give yourself some time. ” Don’t open your phone right away in the morning, for example, or even temporarily mute their profiles so you’re not being interrupted with notifications,” Dr. Skyler suggests. “Think of it as a helpful boundary to prevent you from going down the rabbit hole for too long.”

If your relationship doesn’t feel satisfying, Talk to your partner.

If you feel your relationship isn’t working or you don’t feel like your partner is fulfilling your desires, discuss it with them. With them about the issue. It’s normal for your perception of what a good connection will change with time, and what you wanted in the first year of dating is different from what you’ll require in the fifth year, Battiola says.

Perhaps you didn’t like having flowers delivered. However you’d be delighted to receive the gift of a lily bouquet or other gesture of affection occasionally. You may think you’d like to play in the idea of a relationship open to everyone, even if you’d never thought of it before.

It’s essential to be able to communicate effectively. The psychologist Dr. Skyler says it would help if you didn’t blame your partner for your unhappy feelings and frustration. She suggests making use of “I” statements, which could be something like “I’ve been struggling with feeling a little underappreciated,” instead of “You don’t get me a spontaneous iced coffee in the morning like [insert name]’s partner does.” Speaking about things won’t assist you in avoiding the possibility of a break-up even if you’re in the same boat; however, the most crucial thing is instead of focusing on what could be improved, you’re putting your time and energy into improving your relationship.

We’ll repeat it if you require that: No relationship is perfect. Instagram is an opportunity to highlight your best moments, and you’ll be happier if you make your #couplegoals a focus on your personal love life. Consider this even if your love story seemed straight from the pages of a fairytale, would it not become boring reasonably fast?