How to be like your parents and different from them
Two sessions were held in succession in which clients talked about how they did not want to be like their mothers. While neither one of them had to be concerned about becoming like their mothers, each felt a deep-seated fear that this might happen. Let me tell you how they got to this kind of faulty thinking, and how to make it more realistic.
Parents who take care of us well will inspire us to emulate them and instill their goodness. We look up to them and learn from what they say and do. We may make a vow to our parents if we are abused or neglected by them. We swear that we will do our best to be different from them, because doing the same to them would mean doing the same horrible things to others.
This simplistic thinking can lead to you having to choose between the two. Parents who are obsessed with themselves can make us completely other-oriented. We will follow their rules and have no or very few. We avoid materialism if they are materialistic. You can see where I am going. It’s not rational thinking that allows us to choose who we want. We define ourselves by what we aren’t.
This kind of thinking can lead to a problem. We have many traits in common with our parents. We don’t want them to be the same as us. Instead, we pick out the things we dislike about them. This becomes their whole persona. We may be ignoring the positive qualities of their characters and avoiding them. Perhaps mom was strict and critical but she was a hard worker with great integrity. Perhaps Dad gambled and lost all his family’s money. However, he was always available to answer all your questions and tried to soothe any upset.
Make a list of the qualities you value in your parents (as few as they may be) and those you don’t. This will help you see them in a more balanced light. Next, decide which qualities you would like to see in yourself and which traits you’d rather keep or lose. You might want to be more creative than Dad and money-wiser like Mom. You might want to stop reacting as emotionally as Mom, and stop acting like a victim like Dad.
One person is not all of the above. The identity, personality, or character of someone is made up many parts. As complex and nuanced individuals, we are just as complicated. Instead of choosing what you don’t want and then becoming the opposite, look at the whole spectrum of traits and realize that all of them have a place. Look at your parents and yourself with a balanced perspective and choose the traits that you want to nurture and those you can live without.
