You are allowed to disappoint other people

People have the strange belief that they shouldn’t disappoint anyone. This belief is common in the community of eating disorders. It’s not difficult to see how this belief was formed, but clients often find it surprising that it is okay to disappoint others. It may surprise you, if you are an adult trying to please people on the planet, to realize that this is not necessary.

In childhood, you learned that disappointment is not a good thing. Let me give you an example. Imagine that you are an exceptional artist and a great soccer player, but you struggle in math. This disappoints your father who had hoped you would become an accountant like him. He lets you know frequently that he’s sad/upset/disappointed and, as a child, this makes you feel terrible because you love Dad and feel like the cause of his unhappiness. He is dependent on you and you start to believe that he will not love you if your career is anything but an accountant.

Wrong! While dad may want you to be an accountant like him in the future, he isn’t child-centered parenting when it comes to harping on your disappointment. He doesn’t care about how you feel, and that’s his job. His job is not to make you the best person possible, but to help you be the best you can.

Children learn right from wrong when parents express gentle disappointment and offer love. If a parent is too critical, it can lead to a feeling of disappointment and a belief that you cannot do anything right. If a parent reacts to your disappointment, it can lead you to believe that they will stop loving you. You can then see that you are causing pain by disappointing someone.

You will disappoint many people by the time you reach adulthood. This is normal. It’s normal to be disappointed. This is the nature of human relationships: not everyone gets what they want. Healthy people understand this and know that they will disappoint others and be disappointed. Because they know that this is life, and that everyone can get over disappointment, they don’t focus too much on either.

It’s time for you to stop worrying about disappointing others. You might need to see a therapist if it is difficult to let go of the belief that you aren’t allowed to hurt others or disappoint them. It’s okay if people don’t understand that you want something for them that you don’t want. It’s not your problem.