Why it’s so hard to give up on your parental love

You aren’t alone if you want to win their love and attention, or make them more understanding. Five (adult) clients of mine had intense conversations about this topic a week ago. They were feeling abandoned, shamed and invalidated by their parents. The best news that I could offer them was that 7.9 billion people worldwide, as well as all of our human predecessors, have faced this exact issue.

While we may want approval and love from others, our desire for it from our parents is a different matter. To get praise or to avoid being criticized, we will often turn our backs on others. This is far more than what happens with people who are not our parents. This applies regardless of whether we live near them or far away, whether we talk with them often or not, and whether they are our parents or our grandparents.

Is it possible that even though we can live independently and without our parents, we still believe that they will provide what we need. It’s possible that our DNA is hardwired to keep parents and children connected. It feels almost cellular to desire their approval and love.

These are the things we yearn for: To be accepted as we are; be seen as competent adults; be valued for our failures and successes; be encouraged to become healthier; be allowed to express our opinions, no matter what they are; be encouraged to take care and follow our dreams and live full lives; be applauded for being ourselves; to receive apologies for any wrongs done to us by our parents.

How would it feel to accept that none of the above is possible? What if we made the decision (yes, it is a decision) that none of these things are possible? We did indeed need it as children. But we can now find the things we seek in our parents or others. The desire to be loved by and accepted by parents is a result of the past. It’s mostly a memory of the desperation and urgency we felt as children.

We must let go of the expectation that our parents will make changes and mourn. Mourning is letting go of the need for parents to change. This can lead to sadness and loneliness, as well as a feeling of being alone. However, it also brings us relief and joy in knowing that our parents are no longer necessary. This is as good as it gets.