Why parental validation is essential

Another topic I often discuss with clients is validation. It is so important for healthy emotional development, I don’t know how I haven’t blogged about it. This topic was brought up by a conversation I had with a client about her near-constant extreme self-doubt. You may have a tendency to second-guess yourself and look for the perfect answer all the time. This is a sign that you lack childhood validation. It’s “the acceptance and recognition of other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors as understandable”.

This is how Ming, the client mentioned above, came to terms with the subject. She claimed that her boyfriend had always told her she was beautiful, and she still believes it! She never felt it. Insecurity led her to one brief affair, and she felt a constant, unfulfilling sense that she wasn’t attractive enough. She admitted that she was a bit obsessed with exercising in order to maintain a healthy body.

Ming was not related to her father. She also had a very critical mother who made her feel inadequate. Ming’s mother was very critical of her appearance and used to compare her with other girls who she thought were prettier than her daughter. Ming was a teenager who watched her weight and was very particular about what clothes she wore. She also tried to be well groomed.

Ming was not validated in her childhood. She was told she was intelligent, beautiful, capable and a great person. Ming was also constantly challenged by her mother, who often questioned her decisions, and undermined them. This shattered her belief that she could make good choices. She felt that she was wrong for doing anything.

We believe it when our parents and other people around us grow up to understand us and recognize our accomplishments. Validation means that you are understood and accepted by others. Validation does not mean that parents must accept or approve everything that a child says or does, but it gives the impression that they believe in their child.

You probably didn’t have enough validation as a child if you are unsure of your decisions or need to get your friends to affirm you. It’s difficult to feel validated now. To help you overcome anxiety and self-doubt, imagine what someone might say. Repeat it to yourself. Repeat it again and again.