10 Rules to Make Your Relationship Last
What makes a marriage endure (and continue to last) – for better or for worse? For richer or for poorer? Karl Pillemer, Ph., conducted the largest ever in-depth study of a long-married couple, interviewing 700 couples who have married for an average of 43 years. His new book, 30 Lessons for Loving ($26, Amazon.com), collects their sage advice.
Here are some of our favorite relationship tips from husbands and wives who have discovered the true meaning of commitment.
Begin the day by doing a little kindness.
When you wake up, ask yourself, How can I make this person’s day a little brighter? You need to focus on each other for five minutes to start the day.
–Antoinette Watkins*, 81
Being close does not mean that you are the same
You have to be able–and this can sometimes be very, very hard–to understand what the person’s thinking is in any situation. Everyone, including your partner, has their own opinions about the world. “Even though you are in an intimate relationship with someone, they’re still a different person.”
–Reuben Elliot, 72
Stop worrying about wrinkles.
“As you age, you become blind to the problems that the other person is experiencing. You always see things the same way. Does not age. It’s wonderful. “I don’t think the brain is wired to do that, but it’s just the way things are.”
–Alfredo Doyle, 77
Find out your “fight number.”
This may seem like a silly thing, but we find it to be effective. We thought of it somewhere along the line: we call it jokingly “fight number 17. “… it means that this fight has been had at least 16 other times. We decided to stop bothering with it. We know it’s coming, so we don’t bother even to begin. It’s just not going anywhere. “My theory is that there’s always one of these issues in every marriage.”
–Ralph Perkins
Nurture friendship
“It’s difficult to say no when you are young and infatuated with each other. But, this is what grows and develops. As time goes on, the sexual side of things also deepens in its own unique way. However, it is less important, and friendship takes precedence. “A solid marriage is built on a strong company that will endure despite the challenges of children, hardships, loss of parents, and changing patterns and interests.
–Lydia Wade, 73
Surround yourself with happy couples.
If you are hanging out with negative people, try to find positive people instead. Success imitates itself. If you are around people who have a successful marriage, then you will be able to see the success. It is contagious. “Avoid those with a negative attitude. Get out before they drag your down.”
–Jeremy Bennett, 80
Repetition back and forth
We realized very early that many disagreements were caused by misunderstanding the other person’s perspective. “Are you saying ….?” or “Do you mean…?” I will ask, “Are you saying…? “I always repeat to him what I believe he is saying, and then he will either say yes, or he will say, ‘No. Where did you get that idea from?’
–Lucia Waters, 75
Divide chores according to your strengths
It’s important to work together. Here’s how to do it: Whoever can do the job best should do it.”
–Dixie Becker, 84
Take breaks
If a conflict arises, the Chinese say, “Take a small step back and you will see the entire sky.” You can see more when you step back.
–Chen Xiu
There’s always something new to learn
“It appears to me that marriage involves a process.” You’re never done; you are always in the process. You’ll always have to do more than you think. “In my case, the effort was well worth it.”
