How to Support Your Partner When Their Work is Driving Them Up a Wall

There are days when we want to rip our hair out because our list of tasks is so long. You may be preparing for a big presentation or a week spent in the weeds working on a project. Even though I would like to claim that your job shouldn’t define you, it is naive not to expect your work stress to affect your personal life at times. What happens when your partner starts to notice?

You may not know what to do when your partner is constantly complaining about their work. But if it is driving you crazy, there are some ways to distract them, help them relax, and strengthen your relationship.

What do they need?

Asking your partner how they want to be supported will help you understand. Some days, they may want to be listened to and have their feet rubbed, but other days, they might ask for advice. We often try to read our partner’s minds or act as we would like our partner to work if they were in a frustrating moment,” said Jennifer Silverstein Teplin, LCSW. She is the founder and clinical director at Manhattan Wellness. While it is nice to support our partner in the way we believe they would like to be kept, asking their preferences will ensure that we are giving them what they require.

Donate acts of service.

Focus on how you can help your partner. Teplin said, “I believe unspoken acts such as cooking your partner’s favourite meal or taking on more work at home are small things that can be done easily without much discussion or thought.” Even if your S.O. doesn’t have a love language that includes acts of service, being thoughtful and helping them when they are feeling overwhelmed can make them feel more comfortable.

Create a new routine.

In relationships, we often find ourselves ranting about our jobs. You spend the majority of your time at work, so you should debrief whenever possible. If you want your partner (and yourself) to relax at the end, try changing up your routine. Teplin suggested cooking dinner together, watching your favorite show, or listening to music you enjoy. It doesn’t need to be complicated. She added that “shared routines and behaviors” can help you feel closer to your partner and also increase relaxation.

Teplin suggests that if work still dominates your conversations after 6 pm, you should make it a rule to shut down your computer and not talk about work.

Plan dates

It’s a fact that boring things (sorry, boss!) are easier to deal with when you have something to look forward to. Schedule dates well in advance and add them to your calendars. Ask your partner what they think is the best way to relax and connect with you. Teplin explained that some couples prefer to unwind at home by cooking dinner together, while others enjoy nothing more than having a clean and organized kitchen. “Laughter and movement are great tools to relax and recharge while feeling connected to your partner,” Teplin said.

You can still love your partner if you notice that their job has a significant impact on your relationship. Try these tips instead to help them break out of their rut and, in turn, make your relationship stronger.

Change the conversation

After a while, it can be exhausting to listen to your partner constantly complain about their job. How can you validate your partner and show them that you care while getting them to stop talking? Teplin suggests that you should consider how to respond when your partner complains about their job. You can ask about other topics or focus more on the feelings of the person rather than what they are experiencing at work. When we are annoyed, we tend to focus on the details. This is not a conversational approach. Instead, we should focus our attention on how the situation makes us feel.

You can gently divert the conversation if you see that work-related conversations are taking over pillow talk. Keep your answers short and avoid bringing up topics you do not want to continue discussing. Conversations will most likely pivot. Teplin suggested being “playful” by reminding them that pillow talk should be reserved for personal discussion and not work if they don’t take the hint. Ask your partner what they are looking forward to in the coming week or what will make tomorrow special. You might find that changing the conversation to something more positive will make them feel better tomorrow morning.

Tell them what you think.

Teplin said that it is important to ensure you and your partner have a good headspace before you start the conversation. You’ll both be ready to start talking rather than being annoyed or frustrated. Teplin suggested that you can accomplish this by saying you want to have a quick chat about your feelings and asking if it’s a good moment. You can go ahead if the person is comfortable. If not, you should tell them that they will let you know as soon as they are ready.

Teplin advised that once you begin talking, you should “focus on the way you are feeling rather than what your partner is doing wrong in order to avoid being attacked.” Your goal is to improve your relationship and not to criticize them for complaining constantly about their work. Teplin advised you to express how you feel and what you want to see change and to give your partner the opportunity to voice their thoughts. “Speak about your hopes and wishes rather than what they are doing wrong.”