7 Signs of Emotional Abuse That Aren’t So Obvious
The most common form of abuse in television and film is marked by physical violence or other aggressive acts such as screaming or throwing insults. These are all common warning signs that are undoubtedly true but far from the sole ones. And warning signs may not be evident, especially in the case of emotional abuse. It’s pretty easy to overlook subtle manipulative patterns such as Love bombing or sly criticism, for instance, that can quickly transform into something much more risky.
There is no definitive and exact definition of what constitutes emotional abuse. Based on the National Domestic Violence Hotline, It’s any non-physical behavior that aims to intimidate, deter or intimidate you, which could mean intimidation or humiliation. Accessed by the Department of Justice also adds “undermining of an individual’s sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem” to the definition. The experts SELF interviewed agree on one thing. However, emotional abuse is a tangled and grave kind associated with domestic violence that requires more focus.
“What these actions have in common is that they can erode your sense of value as a human being, and it can happen silently, slowly, and even without your awareness,” Mindy Mechanic, doctoral student a psychologist in the field of clinical psychology as well as a professor of psychology in the department of Psychology at California State University, Fullerton tells SELF. Sometimes it is easy to detect when your friend’s extremely jealous partner has been exhibiting domineering behavior, for instance. Sometimes emotional abuse can hide under sweet and innocent words such as, “Your friends are a bad influence on you, but hey, I’m just trying to protect you.”
It’s all to add: It’s tough to tell when your relationship is becoming emotionally abusive, mainly when you’ve been taught to believe that some unacceptable behavior is “normal.” Here, two psychologists discuss the most commonly-cited but invisible warning indicators to watch.
They want to limit what you do, say, or wear.
One of the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship can be controlled coercion that does not depend on physical violence. Instead, it uses psychological strategies to prevent and intimidate.
There are the more obvious examples of this, for instance, the person who keeps tabs on your financial situation or gives you non-informed feedback on the appearance of your “too revealing” outfits. It could also come in forms in the shape of someone who offers your silent treatment if you don’t conform to their preference, for instance, or insists that they should know every detail of your life of you “because that’s what love is.” “By trying to control what you say or how you act, they leave you feeling powerless and dependent on them,” T.K. Logan, Ph.D., Professor of behavioral sciences at the University of Kentucky, whose research concentrates on intimate violence and intimate partner violence, told Self.
Another devious control strategy is to disguise irrational demands as normal limits, says Dr. Mechanic, who studies psychological consequences of trauma and violence. Specific rules and limitations may be tied to the well-being of a person. Still, there’s a significant distinction in “Do you mind texting me whenever you get home from your runs so I know you’re safe?” and “I need you to call me every 15 minutes so that I know you’re okay.” According to Dr. Mechanic, healthy boundaries empower and are solely about the person who sets limits, whereas unhealthy (and possibly abusive) ones involve the other person’s decisions, restricting their autonomy and justifying dangerous behaviors.
They do not follow your rules.
In terms of the boundaries everyone must have, each person has one and needs, whether it’s some time to themselves on weekends, say, or not wanting to give passwords away. Whatever your particular wants are, your partner must respect their boundaries (again, insofar as it’s not about being in control of another person).
You’re probably aware that a person reading your text messages without your consent and touching your body in a way that makes you uncomfortable is unacceptable. However, it would help if you were cautious of anyone who constantly pressures you to hurry up even when you’ve told them that you’re not prepared for any difficult situation or who attends your only-for-friends night without invitation and then scolds you for not being able to appreciate that “above and beyond” surprise gesture you’ve never requested. If they’re willing to violate your boundaries and disregard your unspoken no-noes, They’re probably also not unwilling to take away your independence and autonomy.
They make you feel guilty when you aren’t with them.
In addition, emotional abusers tend to push you beyond your boundaries. However, they could cause you to feel guilty for being in their presence initially, Dr. Mechanic suggests. It’s, for instance, normal when your partner is annoyed when you make a change at the last minute or forget to celebrate their birthday. However, if they use the times when you “mess up” and weaponize your guilt as a tool to influence you, it’s the most severe warning signal, she warns.
Let’s say you’ve decided to attend an unplanned working happy hour for longer than anticipated and didn’t notify your partner (who was hoping to stay with you later) immediately. An answer such as “I wish you had told me earlier because I could’ve made other plans tonight” is not unusual, but something in the form of “I cannot believe that you’re leaving me. It’s a shame that you’re abandoning me completely” is more an attempt to convince you to feel sorry and remain at home with them the doctor. Mechanic claims.
“The overall goal of guilt tripping is to make the other person think they’re responsible for your distress, even when it’s not their fault,” Dr. Mechanic claims. In the end, those who suffer from this type of manipulation could be misled into thinking they must perform whatever is necessary to ease the victim’s frustration, anger, or sorrow. It’s yet another way to get you to do just what the perpetrators want to do.
They will use your private information (a.k.a. things you trust to them) to sway you.
Your partner may have witnessed you at the most vulnerable times, and everyone who truly cares about you should be careful about the private details you reveal to them, whether you’re talking about your past emotional trauma or the realities of your financial challenges, even when you’re going through difficult times. But, Dr. Logan cautions, an abusive lover could use the information you’ve shared in confidence to use it against you.
For instance, if you’ve revealed to them that a former partner has victimized you, They might attempt to win a fight by saying, “See, this is why they left you.” “You’re sharing these personal things with someone you trust and who you believe will support you,” Dr. Logan says. If your partner uses intimate details to hit you in the places it hurts and makes you feel guilty about yourself, it’s a severe warning sign, she says.
They slam you with mocking “jokes.”
We’re not talking about the occasional witty comment about when you fell down the stairs or endless ranting concerning your “overrated” favorite sports team. This is a more pervasive pattern of humiliating remarks and sarcasm that do not appear humorous to you, even though your spouse insists they’re “just joking.”
“Criticism that isn’t constructive may be emotionally abusive, especially when it involves public embarrassment or even private behaviors that are meant to make you feel less than,” Dr. Logan says. Even if they shrug off the cruel remarks by calling them “kidding,” it doesn’t make them less damaging or dangerous.
They reacted angrily or transferred blame to them whenever they expressed concerns about the relationship.
According to Professor, your partner’s reaction when you inform them that they’ve hurt you could be a great indication of whether they have your best interests in the back of their minds. Logan says. When you next discuss something they did that irritates you, ask yourself whether they accept your point of view with compassion. (“You’re right apologize.” “I see what you mean and I won’t do it again.”) What if their initial response to anger as well as denial? (“It was an innocent comedy!” “You always make me the villain.”) This is certainly worth paying attention to, mainly when it’s a frequent or regular occurrence.
Also, think more broadly about what could happen if you do not follow through with the things your partner would like, according to The doctor. Logan suggests. If you’re in an abusive relationship, they may get angry if you decide to go to an acquaintance’s house instead of spending time in their company, for example, or fear that they’ll spill your genitals if you propose taking time off. “If fear of retaliation or punishment is one of your first reactions to any conflict, that’s your body telling you that you don’t feel safe,” Dr. Logan says.
They can threaten you with threats or issue ultimatums.
The threats can be as explicit as “I’ll break up with you if you don’t let me see your phone,” or as subtle as a specific appearance at you when you order the fries and burger instead of salad. In its way, this may not be considered the use of non-verbal signals to intimidate the person you are with or make you question your decisions could be a sign of coercive control, Dr. Mechanic says.
Even when the threat isn’t implemented, “the point of intimidation is to induce fear in the victim, who will then change their behaviors just to avoid triggering their partner,” she says. It’s all about retaining control over you and making breaking up with the relationship harder.
Suppose any of these indicators of emotional abuse are like something you’ve experienced before–or maybe you’ve observed that these patterns occur within a relationship with someone you love. In that case, it’s crucial to seek assistance. (Numerous beautiful sources are available, some of which are listed below.) True love should leave you feeling appreciated, valued, and, most important, secure. It has no strings attached or makes you feel scared or unimportant.
