6 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Considering an Open Relationship

We all grow up with stories of the “happily ever after” one-soulmate-kind-of love. Yet, this popular idea isn’t an all-encompassing reality or even an all-encompassing desire. As someone may have multiple friends who satisfy diverse social needs, plenty of people, me included, desire numerous relationships and sexual companions. If this is the case–and you’re already committed to a person, it’s only natural that you’d be intrigued by the notion of an open relationship.

This is a very personal one. It’s also important to understand those with open-ended relationships, in which two people agree on a consensus to have sex and relationships outside their current relationship aren’t suitable for everyone. They can be confusing and, in some cases, even messy, not just because we reside in societies that don’t accept nonmonogamy but because open-ended relationships could trigger concerns about boundaries, jealousy, and goals for connections which can take a lot of effort to manage.

However that they can be incredibly satisfying; for help in deciding if an open relationship is the best option for your romantic life, we sought out Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, Ph.D. LCSW, a therapist based in New York City who specializes in nonmonogamous relationships to provide the most crucial questions to consider before opening an existing relationship.

What does “open relationship” mean to you?

If you’re investigating this subject in the beginning, you’ll encounter a lot of new words. However, the general term that covers all types of open relationships is ethical nonmonogamy (ENM), a relationship in which transparency and communication are at the heart of your and your partner’s (s) decisions.

Polyamory – having more than one relationship simultaneously- is one method of practicing ENM; however, there are many different kinds of polyamorous relationships. You may, for instance, find yourself deciding that you’re most compatible with the “hierarchical polyamory” dynamic, where you place a greater emphasis on one relationship over another. You could also choose “nonhierarchical polyamory,” where all partnerships are treated equally.

Swinging is another type of ENM where committed couples are engaged in sexually explicit activities with single or couples people simultaneously. Perhaps a couple would like to get together with other people either with the occasional hook-up or with an entirely new type of relationship (like a triad with three partners who are wholly committed to one another).

Whether you’re a firm believer in an existing pattern or not, however, it’s crucial to remember that moral nonmonogamy is about changing the scripts we’re typically given regarding sexual intimacy and love. This allows you to design the structure that’s best to your needs and that of the partner(s).

What is the reason you would like to accomplish this?

There are numerous reasons for couples to open up their current relationship. An article from 2022 published by the magazine Sexologies identified eight possible reasons for polyamory. These include the satisfaction of needs that are not fulfilled in a monogamous marriage, the expression of political beliefs, and the desire to be part of an existing community.

The question of asking yourself and your partner whether you’re interested in having more sexual intimacy or love, or a mix of both, can assist you in identifying the motivations behind an open relationship and whether you can meet your needs through ENM.

Do you want you can “fix” a troubled relationship?

Nonmonogamy isn’t the magic solution for all issues in relationships. For instance, there are times when one partner may consider themselves nonmonogamous, while another doesn’t but may feel they should be nonmonogamy-free to “save” the relationship. In these cases, Dr. Pitagora says doing so could mean that either or both partners will be forced to compromise a part of their identity or relationship objectives, which could result in the relationship breaking.

It’s the same for couples who struggle in ways that could be irreparable but are “too enmeshed or codependent to break up,” they claim. It could be that there are unresolved differences in the desire to be a parent (maybe one of them wants to have children, but they don’t), Conflicting morals and beliefs, or the age-old problem that arises out of affection.

“Exploring nonmonogamy tends to highlight strengths and weaknesses in relationships, which provides opportunities for personal and relationship growth,” they write. “Along with that growth might come a realization that an open arrangement could help both partners feel more satisfied–or that the relationship isn’t working.”

Do you feel comfortable speaking about limits?

Even in the best-established relationships (between parents and children, close friends, and romantic partnerships), we all have difficulty communicating our needs. When it comes to people who open up about their relationships, it is essential to know the boundaries of each other, and respecting them is vital, according to said Dr. Pitagora.

There are many meaningful conversations to engage in when you’re thinking about bringing additional individuals into your relationship as well as discussions on what’s practical in your scenario, such as where you’ll be meeting others, the places you’ll have a romantic relationship with them; if you’ll introduce them to family, friends or even children and how you’d like to split your time and numerous other. These boundaries will require negotiation to ensure everyone is comfortable within the limits.

If you struggle to communicate your boundaries, this doesn’t necessarily mean you cannot have an open and healthy relationship. If you struggle to communicate your boundaries, Dr. Pitagora suggests first telling your partner about your concerns. You could say, “I’m curious about an open relationship, but I’m worried that I won’t be able to be honest with you about my feelings, or that you won’t respect my needs.” Suppose your partner doesn’t seem open and calm. In that case, it’s an indication that opening up your relationship is not the best decision, according to them, because, as always, communicating and respecting boundaries is essential for ENM to be successful.

If engaging in this conversation scares you, You can wait a while to get comfortable with boundary-setting before exploring ENM further. Dr. Pitagora suggests that you first practice communication during “low stakes situations,” for example, verbalizing a boundary with a friend you trust, such as “I appreciate how we don’t text after 10 pm when I have to get up early for work the next day, can we keep doing that and call it a boundary?”

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It is also possible to set an even more difficult boundary, such as asking a friend who isn’t close enough to contact you after 10. Ultimately, you could raise the stakes by letting your partner know what you’re comfortable with and not having an open relationship. “It’s an ongoing practice that eventually will feel easier with time and repetition,” Dr. Pitagora says. Also, individual therapy is highly beneficial when you’re having difficulty communicating your desires and boundaries with others.

How can you handle jealousy?

No matter if you’re monogamous or not, jealousy is one of those human emotions that be present even if you don’t expect to experience it. If you’re revealing your relationship, you must be prepared to analyze the depths of these emotions and consider how your jealousy could cause concern.

Do you get angry, or are you insular and unable to talk about your thoughts? Maybe you avoid those feelings altogether and assume that everything is fine as they consume you in your soul. All of these responses indicate that your jealousy might hinder the positive communication required for a healthy open relationship.

“Jealousy, like all emotions, contains valuable information about something we need to heal from or some need that’s not being met,” Dr. Pitagora explains. The truth about a newly opened relationship is it may bring jealousy into the spotlight; however, it can allow partners to think about their feelings. Slowing down, pondering your feelings, and working with your partner can be a beneficial method to combat jealousy, and you can do it before you are preparing to open up your relationship, they say.

For instance, perhaps the thought of having more than one partner causes you to doubt the strength of your primary relationship, and a dedicated couple time can ease the anxiety. You may have realized that you’re being viewed as unimportant, and an equal sharing of household chores will allow you to feel more valued before deciding on the possibility of a more open arrangement.

Do you depend on others to prove your worth?

Self-acceptance is being promoted worldwide nowadays, and there’s a lot of talk about how you must be a good person before you can love another person (or several others in this case). However, the path to self-love isn’t always continuous, but you don’t need to be able to “love yourself fully” (whatever it is) before you welcome new kinds of love into your life.

“Humans need other humans to live, and feeling validated through love from others is healthy, regardless of one’s level of security,” Dr. Pitagora explains. Indeed, being loved and validated by others may increase confidence in oneself. According to the study, it is the psychological phenomenon known by the term optimistic” reflected appraisals”–when individuals perceive another’s assessment of their character to be positive. Consequently, their perception will change, as well.

However, “if someone is completely reliant on someone else’s love and validation for a feeling of self-worth, that can be problematic, in that they may not be able to function if that other person is no longer available to provide love and validation,” Dr. Pitagora says. “And if working on self-compassion feels really uncomfortable to someone, I would say it’s likely they fall into that category.”

It’s important to remember that you don’t have to depend on anyone else (or several partners) to give you satisfaction or a sense of self-worth; however, there’s no shame in wanting more validation and love from people around you. If love and validation come through an open and honest relationship that satisfies all involved, then ethical nonmonogamy could be the perfect way to live happily forever.

According to Dr. Pitagora puts it, the two partners should feel that a relationship with an open mind could be a way to satisfy their physical or emotional requirements or needs, and “a couple has good communication practices in place, a foundation of trust, and a willingness to put in the hard work that usually takes place at the beginning of a nonmonogamous learning curve, then I say go for it.”