5 Ways to Keep Your Friendships Strong—Even When Life Is Hectic

I’ll be on the way to run an errand or tucked away in a hectic workday, and I feel a tense feeling: You are obligated to give Swati an urgent phone call. Or, God, I have no idea how she’s currently handling this matter. In the past, before my best friends and I relocated to other cities, had children, or got swept up in Life Stuff, we saw one another with the regularity of characters from sitcoms who regularly walk into the apartments of their counterparts. Nowadays, even with friends who remain close, the feeling is more like we’re looking longingly at each other across the lake (this usually takes the form of a vague “let’s catch up soon!” text).

If I connect with an excellent acquaintance, I will feel better afterward. My soul is happy, and I feel more alive within my body. I want to experience this way more often. Also, I’d like to be a more attentive and thoughtful friend than I’ve been recently, despite my many distractions. (The outbreak also tested the strength of my relationships; one 20-year relationship that had been through years of stress snapped utterly, leading to the split with a friend.)

“People have a lot of broken connections in the wake of the pandemic–a number of my clients have a whole different cast of characters in their lives now,” Hope Kelaher, LCSW and writer of Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult, informs the magazine SELF. One benefit of this is that some people are beginning to realize the importance of established friendships. “In fact, I’m seeing more and more clients bring friends into therapy sessions,” she explains.

Several studies show that I’mn’t the only person trying to make friendship a priority. Even before the isolation-inducing effects of the pandemic, individuals in the US were spending much less time with their friends than they had in the past. It’s more than just that less social connections cause us to feel less content. However, this isolation can be harmful to our bodies too.

“Social isolation and loneliness are two different things, but we’re seeing that both of them are leading to a host of negative consequences for physical and mental health,” Laura Whitney Sniderman, MA, founder of Kinnd Kinnd, a social network that aims to assist people to form and maintain friendships, told SELF. Studies have found a lack of human connections to anxiety and depression, poor sleep quality, high blood pressure, and some cases of dementia. Sniderman has an MA in counseling and clinical psychology and is working on research related to the science behind friendship. Kinnd’s bonding model is based on cultivating three characteristics of a strong friendship: vulnerability, generosity, and reciprocity. Kinnd’s app will be launched later this year to help prospective acquaintances.

Even though making new acquaintances is excellent (and essential if you’re trying to find your friends), “It’s often much easier to work on a meaningful friendship that already exists,” Sniderman states in a quote from a 2018 study that showed it takes on average 200 hours to develop a BFF-like friendship. It doesn’t matter if (like you) you’re looking for ways to get in touch with your friends more often or want to become more connected to them. Methods can help you improve your bonds with your most beloved individuals.

Make it a point to focus on your closest friends (for most of us, this means at least five people maximum).

If you’re unsure what number of acquaintances you are “supposed” to have to improve your life, don’t blame yourself. We’re all uninformed about all aspects of having a friend. “Friendship doesn’t command the same social respect that we’ve been giving romantic relationships, so you don’t see as many resources to support it,” Danielle Jackson, host of”Friend Forward,” a show “Friend Forward,” tells SELF.

Jackson, Kelaher, and Sniderman loosely agree with “Dunbar’s number“–anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s theory that the human brain can only successfully maintain 150 meaningful ties. There are smaller circles within this figure. It’s possible to have 50 connections to social networks you consider friends–people you’d want to have at a huge celebration, for instance–and fifteen people you meet more frequently. The most intimate ties (with those Kelaher refers to as the ones you’d call if you’ve ended into jail or an inpatient bed) are about three and five percent in a typical. It’s OK not to have a lot of ride-or-die friends. However, in the words of Sniderman, “It’s essential that we seek at least one or two” to benefit from the social connection benefits. (And for those more outgoing, that is also fine.)

For what constitutes strong relationships, “The highest qualities are reciprocity, interdependence, and emotional intimacy,” Kelaher declares. The exchange and taking of reciprocity will fluctuate and flow in a healthy relationship, as is interdependence (being emotionally connected and mutually supportive). The foundation of emotional intimacy is a good friendship. It’s the thing that differentiates casual companies from those that are incredibly tight. “It’s the stuff that makes for those soulmate friendships,” Kelaher says. “There’s mutual communication, mutual disclosures–what I like to call ‘the deepening of the narrative.'” How do you cultivate the reciprocity, interdependence, and bonding of your best acquaintances in the real world? Could you take a look, my friend?

Make sure your connection is consistent.

Speaking daily or weekly is unnecessary to “deepen your friendship narrative,” but some people prefer this communication method. Sniderman suggests that the best way to break that “two ships passing in the night” cycle is to briefly discuss how and how often you would like to communicate.

For instance, if one of you is a fan of gatherings at happy hour and the other prefers “8 am breakfast hangouts” mode, a brief conversation can allow you to meet in the middle of the road to create a regular schedule. An informal lunch date is better for this scenario, or you can change between bagels and bars. Also, if one of you wants to meet weekly, but you’re both unable to make the time to meet for a monthly catch-up, a combination of calls and in-person gatherings could aid in finding that perfect place. If you are located far from one another, “have a conversation about how you both prefer to connect – phone, FaceTime, Zoom? The more you clarify your requirements, wants and goals, the more straightforward and fluid the connection will be,” Sniderman suggests.

After you’ve decided on the method and frequency that is comfortable for you both (which could alter over time), make sure to be as consistent as possible. If you’ve got a routine week-long hang, adhere to it to the best of your ability. “Energy flows where attention goes,” Sniderman states. “So the more energy you want to and can put towards a friendship, the more likely it’ll flourish.”

Get vulnerable.

When you spend time with each other: “Skip the small talk and get real,” Sniderman states. “Vulnerability permits others to be vulnerable, strengthening the relationship.”

Suppose your routine does not naturally lead to exploring more profound issues. In that case, Sniderman highly recommends cutting through the noise using prompts, such as using games like the Friendship Edition of the We’re Not Strangers game series ($20, We’re Not Strangers). A sample question of the game: “What was my last breakup like for you?” Playing a game may alleviate stress and allow you to be more comfortable in authentic conversations. “It gets you into these deep, vulnerable conversations right away, and facilitates deeper dialogue,” Sniderman states. You could also create your questions to get your emotions flowing. A few places to start: “What would you change about your life right now if you could?” “What’s one of your best childhood memories?” “What do you worry about at night?”

Always look for ways to create new memories.

As wonderful as regular brunches and calls are, exploring new opportunities with your friends is an efficient way to keep pushing your relationship forward. Sniderman recently attended a course on Zoom along with an acquaintance who lives in Costa Rica, and she said, “It was an amazing way to feel like we were still learning and growing together.”

Jackson suggests establishing the friendship ritual with something you enjoy together if you don’t already have one. For example, every Friday, you could go to a different romance film or a TV show and then make themed snacks (“Will You Take this Rose”-water Raspberry Cupcakes during the Bachelor‘s premiere night, for instance). “Even bringing this idea to the table shows that you care about them, and you want that consistency baked into your friendship,” Jackson says.

Praise your pal generously.

Every time you feel gratitude for your companion is an opportunity to express your feelings to them. Find out when your group of friends shows one another love directly. If you don’t see it happening regularly, you can lead by showing kindness by sharing what you appreciate about your loved one regularly with no expectation of getting back.

“That might take the form of texting a friend after a night out: ‘I’m still thinking about that joke you made about X–you’re the funniest person I know,'” Jackson states, or commenting at the moment that they show kindness. “The meta-message is, ‘I appreciate you, and you add value to my life,'” she adds.

In terms of value, deepening your friendships with each other through regular contact and regular openness to vulnerability is an excellent return on investment. “What I’m seeing more in my therapy practice is people–mostly women–experiencing a lot of anxiety about how their social network is going to shift when they retire one day,” Kelaher explains. If we can keep our friends’ portfolios in good shape, “our 70-year-old selves are going to be grateful to who we were in our 20s, 30s, and 40s.” As do our fellow friends! Get it from the ardent friend champion Jane Fonda: “I have my friends, therefore I am.”