5 Ways Technology Can Actually Help Your Relationship

At the beginning of the epidemic, I tallied the hours until I could fall asleep. However, every night, exhausted as I was, I would stay up all night and indulge in a pleasure best enjoyed by myself with a good hour of television and my cell phone. When New Year’s resolution of my husband’s resolution swayed him to bed while I sank into bed my bed, I felt grumpy.

He could give his opinions on what I should do during my private time. What if he wanted to kiss me when I felt like going out? I felt self-centered about wanting to be there, watching the PEN15 and scrolling Twitter.

Traditional wisdom tells us that technology is harmful. The excessive use of screens interferes with the quality of our sleep and distracts us from our work. Social media usage that is casual can lead to unhealthy scrolling. There is evidence to suggest the negative consequences of technology on relationships. For instance, consider the phenomenon known as “technoference,” or interruptions in couples’ interactions caused by the use of technology. It could be that one person is talking to another while working on the email, or your spouse is talking about their day while you scroll through Instagram. Unsurprisingly, an investigation of 173 couples from the Computers in Behavior discovered that this kind of behavior could be detrimental to our moods and how we view our relationships.

I’m able to relate. When social distancing at home orders allowed us to spend all day long together, My husband’s phone–yes, there are two–was constantly on the go and buzzing the ESPN notifications while eating dinner time, or blazing in his pockets, begging for an email reply even when you were the midst of an argument or trying to go out the door for a stroll around the neighborhood. I began considering his phone as an unwelcome 3rd (and four) companion in our relationship. Did I ever tell my husband that’s what I was feeling? If you add my eye movements and barely audible “Here we go again,” when the phone was pulled out and pulled out his phone, then yes.

However, contrary to the technological influence on my relationship, sure researchers believe technology has been unfairly criticized for intimacy. With some awareness, our gadgets can help us connect with our companions. We’ve consulted some experts specializing in the effect of technological advancements on our relationships. Check out their helpful strategies to naturally stop technology from ruining intimacy without giving the devices away.

Set up healthy boundaries for technology.

“Technology was a connector, refuge, and even lifeline for most of us during the pandemic,” Michelle Drouin, a Ph.D. psychologist in the Department of Psychology at Purdue University, wrote in her newly released publication “Out of Touch and How to Survive an Intimacy Crisis. However, whether or not it’s a pandemic, there is a drawback to our constant connection: the technological interference we discussed earlier. The interruptions caused by technology in our interactions, such as when one spouse’s phone is on the table while one of them really would prefer it not to be, can leave an impact that lasts for a long time. “Even if it’s only a momentary experience, it can feel like rejection,” Dr. Drouin told Self. “It signals to your partner that you’re choosing your phone over them.”

What is the best option when facing a significant issue with your partner? It’s easy to talk with your spouse. However, it is essential to remember that Dr. Drouin emphasizes that we must avoid accusations and threats. Instead, you should make use of “I” statements. For instance, “I feel sad when I’m lying next to you, but I’m not the focus of your attention,” instead of “You’re always on your phone, and it’s ruining our relationship.” Naturally, this will more likely make your phubber (the smartphone snubber) feel snubbed and less likely to adjust their habits on the phone. On the other hand, addressing the subject in a non-threatening manner will help you and your partner establish technological boundaries that benefit the two of you. Consider putting away phones during dinner or bed or setting a time limit on your social media usage.

It’s important to note that smartphones don’t affect every relationship. “There are some couples who are perfectly fine that they’re both on the couch scrolling on technology while watching a show,” Dr. Drouin. If screens aren’t preventing someone from meeting their needs, be calm and continue to scroll.

Learn to distinguish between (text messages) lines.

My husband and I have been sleeping and getting up together for the past few months. However, after the day has begun, our communications are almost entirely electronic. A grocery list was sent via text reminding us which child must get picked up and an appointment confirmation for the coming weekend.

Mimi Winsberg, MD, a trained psychiatrist from Stanford and chief medical officer of Brightside Health, describes texting as “the lingua franca that is love,”–meaning that texting is now our primary method of communication, not only with colleagues and friends as well as romantic partners.

Yet Dr. Winsberg, who spent three years as Facebook’s resident psychiatrist, says to SELF, “You can be the most technologically-savvy person on the planet however our brains are still not catching up to how we use technology in our relationships with each other. There’s a lot we need to be learning.”

In her newly released book, Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychotherapist Unmasks your relationship texts so you Do Not Have to, Dr. Winsberg draws on 25 years of experience in clinical practice and research conducted by others and her own to aid people in understanding the impact of texting on our relationships. Why do we text? Why do we text? Dr. Winsberg argues that each person has ways of expressing love and showing affection. Since the practice of double-thumbing phone messages is now the preferred method of communication in contemporary relationships, these preferences are demonstrated in texts. The book borrows terminology taken from Dr. Gary Chapman’s bestseller The Five Love Languages; Dr. Winsberg’s book outlines five different love languages in text, such as compliments as well as”riffing” (rapid-fire banter), spoon-feeding (sending an intriguing meme or reading or a few personal updates) and looking (sweet little things, such as “XO,” or sexting) and nudging (reminders to remind them that you’re thinking about them).

“I think it’s helpful for people to know how they like to communicate and be communicated with,” Dr. Winsberg says. Dr. Winsberg. So, people are more likely to believe they are being met with their emotional needs. If you can’t discern your partner’s preferences from text messages, you can engage in a conversation. For instance, you can declare, “I’m not very good at chatting during the workday, but I love a good text sesh in the evening,” or “I’d love a goodnight text.” After that, you can meet up where your partners are. If they like compliments, make sure they’re sincere. Or, if you’re into riffing on each other for five minutes, schedule a time when you’re at your disposal and see if you can make your partner LOL.

Take a look at self-diagnostic.

We can gain a lot from rereading the text messages we send and examining how we interact with colleagues. Based on Dr. Winsberg, our texting past “can provide an electronic health record” regarding our relationship. Recently, I reread my text messages between me and my spouse. His “out of Ziplock bags” text is probably not an act of riffing, and the text I sent him, “Are you coming?” can’t be interpreted as sexting in the context. I found very little evidence that suggests the two parties were in love, except for the occasionally red heart emoticon.

“Dr. Winsberg writes in her book, “While messages may inevitably become more utilitarian in this way throughout a relationship, there are good reasons to suggest that affectionate exchanges can help a couple maintain their bond.” After a year of being constantly in contact (with children) and examining our past was all the help that my spouse and me required. We were inspired to begin adding messages such as “I appreciate you” or an emoji with a heart-eye-like smile, which are small acts of affection that have proven rewarding to both sender and receiver.

Shanhong Luo, Ph.D., relationship researcher and Professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, is the author of a study that tested a similar hypothesis in a study published in Computers in Human Behavior titled “Can texting improve romantic relationships?” Based on her research, it could. “If people send a positive text message to their partner, either something generic or something nice about the partner, it helps to combat the downward satisfaction pattern,” Dr. Luo tells SELF. That’s right; we know that it’s normal for relationships to go through an initial honeymoon, followed by a gradual decline in attraction as time passes. A super doable antidote? Send lovely text messages.

Make use of the evening screens to benefit.

As per Dr. Drouin, spending time with your partner before bedtime can provide a significant bonding boost. The good news for me is that time together is a must.

In a study from 2021 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the researcher Professor. Drouin found that more than half of respondents reported sleeping with their partner, and 27% said they typically didn’t but desired to. In her book, the author, Dr. Drouin, writes, “Simply sleeping with a significant other suggested a higher level of satisfaction at bedtime. Then, more satisfaction at bedtime led to more intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and overall satisfaction.”

If you think that’s too much of a change because, as I do, you appreciate your private screen time in the evening. Take heart: “It doesn’t matter what couples are doing together, as long as they’re doing it right before bed,” Dr. Drouin says.

In particular, she states that couples don’t have to be sexually active or have long-distance conversations to be able to bond. “Sometimes watching a movie or show together can get you to a positive place in terms of your relationship satisfaction,” she says to the magazine SELF. What happens if Netflix isn’t your thing? It’s no problem. Dr. Drouin’s research found that all that’s required for a particular ” pro-bonding ” activity for couples is that they’re enjoyed together. That’s excellent for couples who want gaming on video or listening to podcasts (or even scrolling side-by-side) instead of streaming programs.

The caveat: If you go with technology over touch at night, be aware of the blue light that can be seen before you sleep. Based on the CDC, exposure to blue light could cause difficulty falling asleep and remaining asleep. But a study published in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine indicates that television is less likely to disrupt sleep than other devices, such as mobile phones, which are more physiologically and mentally stimulating. In addition, because TVs aren’t as near your eyes as smartphones and tablets are, the eyes will receive less exposure to blue light.

Set the goal of autocorrection in increments.

Recognizing the effects of technology on our most intimate relationships is vital, says Luo. Luo, but revamping our habits in technology ultimately could appear too overwhelming. So, she suggests couples concentrate on more minor actions to maintain their relationship. “For houses, cars, and relationships, regular maintenance makes it possible to sustain satisfaction,” she explains.

This little-by-little approach can be a huge help. During my day, I try to be aware when I’m glued to my computer (hello checkout lines and parking areas), put my phone down, and send an e-love message to my husband instead, even if it appears to be a meme of Taylor Swift making heart hands. “It’s easy to do,” Dr. Luo says. “Remembering to do it is a big first step.”

Concerning his phone mistresses, I relaxed and promised myself to grab “I statements”-even though yelling at them was more real-life-like- and spoke with him about how he feels when phones arrive at dinner. Recently, he’s been leaving his phones in the kitchen at mealtimes frequently and charging them at night in the kitchen, so they’re not accessible before we go to bed. He’s also planning to get rid of his phone in favor of having only one for pleasure and business.

If it’s nighttime, I’ve heeded my time listening to Dr. Drouin’s advice on conversations and negotiations. “People don’t like being forced to do something,” Dr. Drouin says to SELF. “The best thing to do is ask your partner, ‘What does your ideal bedtime look like?'” If one person would instead stream a Netflix series, for instance, or be busy, think about sharing the week and having your partner at the midpoint.

I’ve also come to terms with the idea of him crashing my bedtime routine. While he didn’t get into the PEN15 show, we commonly understand Ozark and the concept of turning off the lights at 10 pm. When we finally find a film or show to watch at night and are all cozy, we enjoy our favorite show (usually while keeping our smartphones away from us). I’ve started to like his armpit over the one I used to sleep on when I wasn’t on my lap.

If I do a post-mortem on the text messages we exchanged, I’ll discover evidence of more than the food items we don’t have. However, I’m not anticipating seeing a flash of romantic lightning also. “As with most things in science, a gradual synthesis is much more likely than a great leap,” Dr. Drouin says. “So couples may find that just like resentment can increase over time as phones interfere with interactions, positive feelings can also build as they take small steps together.”