5 Things That Make Love Last

Five dimensions have been chosen to express the depth of the stories. This assessment, called the Buehlman Score, is extremely accurate at predicting whether or not a couple will break up in the next four to five years.

Couples who are happy often tell stories of warmth, affection and respect. They also give spontaneous compliments. Couples with weak fondness systems and admiration systems tend to remember unfavorable impressions about their partner.

Couples who are happy tend to tell stories of how they have worked together well. It’s palpable that they “are in this together”. The dead romance isn’t that they can’t resolve an argument. The reason they’re stuck is because both of them are focused on I, and not We.

We also note whether there is positive energy or a lack of it in their descriptions… Couples who lose this connection…remain impersonal and guarded when recounting their history, mentioning nothing specific about each other. We also note whether there is positive energy or a lack of it in their descriptions…Couples who lose this connection…remain impersonal and guarded when recounting their history, mentioning nothing specific about each other. They are “generic”, not individualized, in their view of the past.

Couples that describe their past as chaotic tend to be unhappy today. They do not tell tales of coming together or learning lessons from negative experiences. It’s not clear from their stories that their conflicts and past struggles strengthened their mutual respect … Happy couples are proud of having overcome difficult times. They highlight how the struggles strengthened their relationship. They think they have steered a course together based on shared goals, values, and aspirations. They have created a shared system of meaning and purpose. The depth of their past struggles does not affect whether couples show this positive energy. The key is how they interpret both the positive and negative events.

Couples that are on the verge of splitting up will often have at least one partner express their disappointment in the relationship. When couples look back at their past choices, they often express cynicism regarding long-term commitment.

Once the switch to “Negative Story of Us” is thrown, reversing it is extremely difficult. It is likely that any intervention will be too late. Even if one partner shows a positive change, the other may remain suspicious. They might think, “Well, the demon has finally done something nice but this relationship remains hell.”

They either emphasize the good times, and minimize the bad ones, or they highlight their failures while ignoring their successes. They either emphasize their partner’s good qualities in preference to their annoying traits (cherishing), they do the reverse (trashing ).