3 Things to Do If You Just Snapped at Your Mom and Feel Like an Asshole
Parents can cause you (OK, I do) to return to your anxious teenage self. Mother-daughter relations are renowned for being extremely complicated; however, every relationship between an adult child and a parent can cause certain emotions. There’s an explanation for why the baggage of parents’ children is the subject of Greek myths, Shakespearean tragedies, and many blame-the-parents cliches from pop psychology.
Understandably, you could feel pretentious to your parent(s) even after graduating high school. Perhaps you leave them suddenly, shut an entrance, or talk with them in a way you would never do with anyone else. But that doesn’t mean that it does not feel good whenever it occurs.
Resentment or anger toward parents could be a legitimate response, for instance, to the abuse, neglect of your emotional needs, or not being able to fulfill specific needs while growing up, for example. (If you constantly fight with your dad or mom regarding these concerns, talking to a counselor is likely to help more than the tips below.) What should you take if you feel guilt about how you’ve reacted to a kind parent pushing your buttons in a way only they know how? We asked an expert on family relationships Amanda White, LPC, licensed therapist and director of executive at Therapy for Women in Philadelphia, for her top tips.
Do not blame yourself for having a meltdown.
“Often when we act like a jerk to someone, the first thing we do is start judging ourselves,” White states. When you have a dispute with your mother, you could consider yourself an idiot! Or, what’s wrong with you? Being constantly beaten up can make it harder to fix the issue: “It’s more likely to send you into a shame spiral, where you feel awful about yourself and then find it harder to take responsibility for your actions,” White clarifies.
Instead, she suggests doing a bit of self-acceptance by putting the behavior into perspective. “Remember that no one is perfect, and everyone is a bit jerky with people we love, especially our parents. It doesn’t mean you’re an unlikable person, it is a sign of being just a human being,” White says. If you’re giving yourself a difficult time for not being kind to someone special, White suggests saying for yourself: “I cannot expect myself to be perfect, but I can learn how to repair my relationships when I make a mistake.”
Knowing if you’re feeling shame or guilt could also be helpful. According to White, responsibility can be as if you have made an error, whereas shame is a feeling that you have completed creating a mistake. “Guilt reminds you that you acted out of alignment with your values, whereas with shame, you feel powerless to change–you think, This is just who I am, which robs you of the ability to make different choices in the future,” White states. Also, knowing if guilt or shame is at the heart of your regret could significantly impact your capacity to take positive steps.
Rethink the reasons you acted in how you did.
White suggests spending a few moments to consider your thoughts and feelings about the events that occurred with your parents ( journaling about it could help in this, she adds). “Get curious about why you were a brat,” White recommends. “Is any pattern that you observe during your battles? What are the most common topics?” If what comes up is more in the direction of “I’m an awful person for being that way,” try to reframe these thoughts by focusing on some facts “I have done [insert a brash behaviour] and I wish I didn’t.”
You feel like you’re back to being a child when you’re with your parents is a “common phenomenon,” she claims, and it could be that you’re just returning to your old habits. Once you’ve identified the signs and what they are, you can spot them before things escalate. “Maybe you could walk away for a short time or Take a few deep breaths When you realize that you’re being affected because of something your mom has said,” White suggests. It could also be a line that you must establish, such as telling your parents not to give their opinion on your job or relationship unless you request them.
Apologize.
After thinking about it, Reach out and take responsibility for your role in the argument. White suggests saying the following, “Hey, Hey! I’m here admit that I was a jerk. You weren’t worthy we’re sorry.” Although the context is crucial, White suggests not to defend or explain yourself instantly. This can be a defense and distract from the main message you’re trying to convey that you are aware of the mistake you made up and accept the blame.
White suggests that the most effective apology can be those that explain how you will keep the situation from repeating at a later time (basically, it’s the exact opposite of the sorry-not-sorry of every celebrity and politician’s Notes app post). “This is where it may be helpful to explain why you reacted the way you did using ‘ I statements,'” White states. You could say, “I considered it for a while and realized that I’m angry when I feel as if I’m being told what I should do. I’m trying to be more conscious of that so I don’t get angry with you shortly.”
It’s not a guarantee that your apology will be received well, but it’s not all about this, White says. In the case of the relationship between parents and children (and any relationship), it’s impossible to control your child’s behavior. You are only responsible for your actions.
