17 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore, According to Therapists

Despite what the tweeters who wave their red-flag emojis all over the web might suggest that red flags in relationships aren’t just (hilarious) pet issues or preferences that aren’t compatible such as the dumping of floss all over the home and avoiding dessert or cats, not actually like cats. However, they’re rarely obvious problems or even a reason to avoid them. Certain red flags are more pronounced than others, and some signs always indicate that you need to be cautious (more about that later), But many red flags are difficult to identify.

The red flags are those that cause you to attention (or should give you a severe pause)–and they could be a sign of a more significant pattern, the Philadelphia-based couple counseling Folashade Adekunle M.Ed., informs the magazine SELF. Someone who has forgotten the birthday of your child once? Yes, it’s annoying, but is it an indicator of trouble? Not necessarily. The spouse who often misses important dates probably reveals some aspect of their personality and what they seek. One reason red flags may be challenging to recognize is that everything else within the relationship may be in good order.

Additionally, it can be challenging to determine what makes us uncomfortable, says Adekunle. As well as identifying repeated behaviors, She suggests being aware of your body’s instincts whenever certain behaviors occur and asking yourself the following questions to reflect on your feelings Do these actions make me feel uneasy or unloved? Or do I think negatively about myself? You’re in red-flag territory if you can answer one of these concerns.

Dulcinea Pitagora, Ph.D., New York City-based psychotherapist, and sexual therapist, thinks that relationship warning signs generally manifest first in feelings. It is recommended to check your body and notice what physical sensations occur when you consider a warning sign. For instance, perhaps you feel tension in your chest, and your heartbeat rises. “It’s also okay if you’re not sure why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling,” Dr. Pitagora tells SELF. “It’s enough to know that something doesn’t feel right and needs to change.”

The bottom line is that if your partner’s behavior causes you to feel uneasy, something needs to be addressed, either with yourself or with them or a therapy professional. (Or one of the other choices.) Whatever the outcome, whether it results in a separation or the beginning of a new relationship, it’s essential to respect your feelings to build trust in yourself, according to psychologist Dr. Pitagora. In the context of listening and trusting your feelings, we surveyed counselors for their most common warning signs to pay at. (If you’re trying to get involved in the ring, look into some top dating applications).

They push a new partnership ahead too fast. Commonly referred to as “love bombing,” this warning sign isn’t always about a new lover who declares “I love you” too quickly or wants to get married after just five dates. It’s a red flag when “one person is trying to manipulate the other into a situation of dependency,” Adekunle explains. These are alarming indications if a person you love is saying, “I can’t live without you,” or attempting to sever you from the intensity of their love. Adekunle says a relationship with a high-speed pace is delicate as it’s a good feeling. Be sure to listen to your body. Feeling nervous about your partner’s movement in an agitated manner is a signal to put the brakes on and determine where the feeling is coming from.

They talk about all their partners in the form of “crazy .”

Some relationships are so bad that we’re bitter about our ex-partners many years later. However, when your partner is prone to spewing insults at any “crazy” former lovers at every opportunity, this strongly indicates that they’re the culprit. Suppose your new partner cannot discern any reason that led to one or more of their previous breakups. In that case, it’s an indication to take “extreme caution,” Gina Senarighi, Ph.D. Couples counselor and dating coach tells the magazine SELF. “The odds are good that they’re going to lack that same kind of insight now with you,” Dr. Senarighi says. If you decide to date them, you’ll eventually be among those “crazy exes,” too. Before starting an exciting new relationship, understanding how to move on from a breakup is essential.

People are rude to people working in the service sector.

The good thing is that this issue must be evident early before committing yourself to the relationship. Dr. Senarighi states that because our culture doesn’t value people working in the service industry, how your partner interacts with the waiter or Lyft driver can provide you with valuable information regarding their opinions regarding social structure and entitlement and how they react when they’re in positions of authority. Do you wish to be with someone who believes it’s their right to make rude remarks at the bartender? If you still need to, you can order your martini on the go.

Their profile on dating websites needs to reflect who they are.

When dating, we desire to present ourselves in the best light. However, “there’s a difference between presenting your best self and being inauthentic,” Dr. Senarighi explains. If your friend claims to be “an avid hiker,” but it turns out he’s only interested in walking through the paths of on the course of golf, you should take note. Do they lack self-awareness? Are they trying to portray an idealized image of himself since he genuinely wants to be that person? It’s a good idea to consider looking into this because a lack of self-awareness and consistency between the words and actions may result in issues with conflict resolution later on, Dr., Senarighi says.

Their way of expressing their anger can make you feel uneasy.

Anger is normal, and if you’re in an intimate relationship, you’ll have moments where you’d like to put your face on the pillow and shout. If your partner is so angry that they kick an object or breaks household items, Adekunle explains that they could be prone to escalate their anger shortly. Because anger management issues may turn into violence, Adekunles says they tend to be surefire indicators to break up the relationship immediately.

They will need to pay more attention to your advice.

This isn’t about your partner’s inability to get eggs ready or having to remind you about the title of your Aunt Beverly’s husband once more. This is about the essential aspects you have in common with your spouse, like your hobbies, beliefs, and those that can make you feel complete. Adekunle suggests a great concern to ask yourself is, “How does this person care about my interests and the things that are important to me?” She adds that the red flag may “become yellow” if your partner shows signs of change. Communication is crucial. If you feel that you’re not getting noticed and heard by others, she suggests asking your partner, “Do you understand how important this is to me?” If this results in improvement, then excellent! If not, remember that someone who doesn’t want to improve isn’t worth your time.

They challenge your physical limits and even with “innocent” ways.

Does your partner not stop teasing you when you instruct you to put it down? Do they continue to smack you in an innocent manner (like hugging or hand rubs or constantly poking you in the arm as if you were siblings) when you request your privacy? “Like with all boundaries, we want to ensure that someone is respecting how we tell them how to treat us,” Adekunle states. The issue here is the possibility of escalation. If a person pushes physical boundaries, Adekunle suggests that it “might be a sign the person doesn’t respect the boundaries that have been set over time. We would like people to discern ‘no’ from “stop,” and to be able to take us seriously.”

You’re afraid to show them off to your friends.

Nervous about introducing your new love to others in your life is normal, but if the thought of having everyone together can make you want to stay in the tub, it’s an area worth investigating, says Adekunle. She says the red flags don’t always appear to be “definable” and that it’s acceptable to be able to process the feelings you’re experiencing for a bit before you pinpoint the reason you feel uneasy. Why aren’t you introducing the person you are with to your circle of friends? This could reveal a more severe issue or worry. It is also essential to consider whether your anxiety relates to your spouse. It could be more about your concerns or topics (“What is it if he puts on the cargo shorts to a brunch? ?”)–a signal that you must address these problems.

Your friends won’t want to spend time with you.

It’s possible to be blinded by love. If you’re not surrounded by friends who are enthusiastic about the new person you’ve met, it could be an excellent opportunity to check the reality, Adekunle says. She suggests asking the people who know you the best: “What are you seeing about this person that’s giving you pause on wanting to spend time with them or getting to know them?” Be aware that the answers may be difficult to discern but are crucial.

They make you feel deficient and even in a humorous manner.

“It was only a joke” aren’t magical words that can erase harmful insults. Insane sarcasm, a cruel sense of humor, or jokes that frequently highlight your shortcomings could be “a nonconsensual way to leverage power in the relationship,” Dr. Pitagora explains. Adekunle concurs and says there’s a distinct distinction between couples that “roast” each other in an enjoyable, consensual manner and one whose humor makes you feel guilty about yourself. Particularly concerning when you tell your partner that “This hurts my feelings,” and your partner’s behavior does not change. In this case, the signal becomes a “non-negotiable,” Adekunle says.

They smirk at you.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which your partner manipulates reality by creating doubt in your mind by denying (“I have never said that”) or blaming your partner (“You’re oversensitive”). This is not only abusive but can also be challenging to spot. “The partner waving this red flag may use the other partner’s vulnerabilities against them, making the gaslit partner believe that they are to blame for whatever the problem is and making it difficult to know whether they’re seeing a red flag,” Dr. Pitagora says. Gaslighting may cause you to doubt your actions the next time you see it; Dr. Pitagora advises seeking the help of people who can make you feel secure–such as a therapist or a trusted loved one. You can talk to them about your feelings and gain more insight into your partner’s behavior.

They’re prejudiced.

If your partner is adamant about peppering the room with a series of microaggressions (“What are you?”) or expresses more openly homophobic, sexist, racist, or transphobic thoughts, This red flag could be classified as aggressive behavior as Professor. Pitagora notes. The way you respond depends on the circumstances and how secure you feel. Dr. Pitagora suggests that people “without the comfort, energy, resources, or support to speak up about someone’s offensive behavior” could quit the discussion and not be obligated to justify the reason. It is possible to say, “This isn’t working for me,” and let it be that way. “With unsafe folks, it’s okay to ghost them,” Dr. Senarighi explains. If you’re in a good relationship with the other person, you should inform the person that their actions are harmful and determine whether they’re willing to confront and rectify their actions. If they’re insecure and unwilling to change, it’s a signal to watch out for.

They are not happy when you are away from them.

We’ve all been through the stage of a relationship where every minute together makes you feel like you’re in that “Crazy in Love” music video (remember those?). What happens when the romance disappears? The psychologist Dr. Senarighi says that spending too long with your partner could cause you to lose your self-esteem and support systems. Making time for yourself in the context of a relationship is beneficial, and paying attention to how your partner behaves whenever you act is essential. It could be a sign of a rift if they yell, guilt-trip you, or become angry or resentful. Senarighi believes those actions indicate a lack of ability to deal with discomfort or point to jealousy. Your partner may also have a hard time meeting their own needs for emotional fulfillment; this isn’t a crime, but something they’ll need to work through if they wish to maintain a healthy relationship for the long haul.

They count on you as their only source of support when they face serious mental health problems or previous experiences.

“It’s not that people with trauma can’t have great relationships; they absolutely can,” Dr. Senarighi notes. It’s the same for those suffering from mental illness. To be precise, there’s no way to say that people who suffer from mental health or trauma issues can only enjoy beautiful relationships when they’re “healed” or by some similar or impossible standard. It’s more about factors like: Are they conscious of how their trauma and mental illness impact them and their loved ones? Is there some support or attempt to get better? Searching for this help could be as simple as visiting a therapist, joining support groups, working through mental health books, or making solid friendships beyond your relationship.

Whether you’re on the third date or are in an ongoing relationship, untreated mental health problems or significant past traumas that are not supported could pose a severe risk, mainly if the relationship develops into you becoming the only person who can provide support. What you do in response to this can differ based on the state of your partnership. Dr. Senarighi stresses the importance of asking yourself what you would like the relationship to take you and if you’ve got the motivation, perseverance, and solid base to work on these problems together. Be aware that it’s not your sole responsibility to resolve these issues, and if you’re the partner’s only source of support, you’re likely to create a complicated relationship.

They’re at a completely different stage in their lives than you are.

It’s okay to have a possible lover looking to leave their job and live in the coming five years in a van, as that’s what you would like to do for the five years to come. Dr. Senarighi says that a romance can lead us to tell ourselves, “But someday she’s going to want kids (or a house or van life).” Perhaps. The problem is: “You’re dating right now,” Dr. Senarighi suggests, so when you’re ready to have kids (or the idea of a home or van life), the life stage doesn’t match. This is a “big cautionary flag,” Dr. Senarighi says. It would help if you talked about it before postponing your goals and fighting over who gets to clean the van.

They require constant assurance.

We all feel insecure on a certain level, and nobody is to blame for handling this in a way, but it’s not healthy to rely entirely on the approval of others to feel valued or loved, as Dr. Senarighi states. She says that a partner who requires constant affirmation can put a lot of stress on your relationship and you, and issues with codependency or confidence aren’t things you’ll be able to resolve for your partner. This is why it makes an enormous difference if your partner wishes to develop and work hard to improve their perception of self-worth. This can happen independently (and with your loving support) or in the presence of the help of a therapist or other use.

They’re unable to manage their jealousy.

Dr. Senarighi argues that jealousy alone isn’t an indication of a problem; however, how the person manages their jealousy may be a warning sign. The culture we live in is prone to view jealousy as something that another person can cure. This false belief could lead to boundary-crossing behavior like a spouse who constantly checks their phone to see who’s messaging you or who attempts to establish rules for who you can and cannot view. Every response is loud and clear, “Fix this bad feeling for me!” Dearest, take care of yourself.